Closing Time

I feel like I need to write something that can close up this semester of my life in Hungary—some apt summation of the most incredible three and a half months of my life to date, using witticisms and words far too clever for me and cleanly and succinctly presenting to the world the result of my experience. And yet I am quite sure it would be impossible to do so, for a number of reasons I won’t get into, other than one: that while I may no longer be physically studying God in Hungary, God is most certainly not done teaching me about Himself and about what a life lived utterly in love with and for Him looks like.

My time in Hungary began with a promise: that God would show Himself to me in a way that I had previously been blind to or that I had previously seen with distorted vision. The thought that God wanted to clarify my view of Him in this way came from the story of the blind man that Jesus heals in Mark 8. When first Jesus touches this man’s eyes, the man says that he can see; but he specifies that he sees men as trees, walking. I saw much of myself in this man. I saw that I could, in fact, see Jesus—could see that He was my Savior, that He was my only Hope, that His cross was the only way, and that He was my Lord and Master. But I knew there was something missing; that what I was seeing was incomplete at best, and dangerously misinformed at worst. As Hudson Taylor wrote in a letter to his sister, “All the time I felt assured that there was in Christ all I needed, but the practical question was—how to get it out. He was rich truly, but I was poor; He was strong, but I weak. I knew full well that there was in the root, the stem, abundant fatness, but how to get it into my puny little branch was the question.” Since I began my Christian walk, I have felt assured that there was in Christ all I needed; but, indeed, I sensed that I wasn’t fully experiencing His perfect satisfaction.

It turns out that God answered this promise by opening my eyes to see His grace—to see Him and to see myself in the proper Light, and to have the veil lifted and the dawn begin to rise on the beautiful horizon of His boundless love. My first clue in this direction came during one of my classes. I have searched my notes high and low for this quote, but to no avail. Nevertheless, I distinctly recall one day about six weeks into my time in Hungary sitting in one of my classes (I think it was our morning devotions, but I’m not sure) and hearing these words come out of the mouth of the speaker: “Without knowing the grace of God, it is impossible to have an undistorted view of God.” In the moment, my brain fleetingly registered the words “undistorted,” “view,” and “grace of God”; but the press of daily life soon shoved aside the small question and hope that had formed in my mind.

As the semester progressed, we came upon our ten-day outreach and speaker’s week. Both of these challenged me and stretched me in ways that I had never experienced challenge before. Over ten-day outreach, God showed me what I now see to be His grace as displayed in His faithfulness. As His servant, He taught me that He is faithful to do in us that which He has called us to do. He showed me the blessing of service when it comes from love for Him and is done in His strength and power. During speaker’s week, He taught me what I now see is the grace of a relationship with Him—that He wants to know me, and wants me to know Him.

In all of these things, He was preparing my heart to see clearly what He has spoken all along—that “the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works” (Titus 2:11-14). And how the grace of God appeared to me! I finally understand, I think, the beautiful hymn Amazing Grace—“Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now am found; was blind, but now I see.”

The final preparations the Lord did in my heart occurred on the weekend I wrote about a few blog entries ago, in a post entitled “Why Christians Need the Gospel.” I was made keenly aware of my deep depravity during that weekend. I almost couldn’t believe some of the things that I was thinking and barely keeping myself from speaking that weekend. Step one of understanding grace? Seeing myself in the proper light. That weekend, God gently reprimanded me for my pride, and showed me myself in all of my ugliness and sin. It so upset me and even startled me that I actually recall feeling almost dizzy with the revelation of it. That drew me to His gospel, as I wrote about, and I started to wonder how it was possible that I could truly be a new creature in Christ, as 2 Corinthians 5:17 says. That verse, though breathtakingly beautiful, had always seemed too good to be true, and had more nearly broken my heart than encouraged it. I realized earlier in the semester that I had always thought of myself as a fixed old creature, rather than as an entirely new creature. Now, as I came to this verse again, in light of my new and more accurate understanding of who I was, it seemed even more impossible. I saw that I still depended on myself, to a certain extent, for my “right standing” before God. If I did well by being obedient or saying no to temptation or sharing the gospel with someone, I patted myself on the back and felt at peace with God. However, nothing could silence the condemnation when I sinned—when I gave into temptation, or was too cowardly to share the gospel, or lied, or let someone down. As you might imagine, my life was a rollercoaster of delight and dread, of feeling secure one moment and the next completely unstable.

So I came hesitantly to this verse once again, and found myself wondering what it meant to be “in” Christ. As I looked it up on Blue Letter Bible, that hopeful expectation that had been born so many weeks ago in my heart was stirred. The following is what I found, and my response to it:

“2 Corinthians 5:17—“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”

“In” (Gk. ἐν) Definition: In, by, with etc. Root word: A primary preposition denoting (fixed) position (in place, time or state), and (by implication) instrumentality (medially or constructively), i.e. a relation of rest.

What a definition! To be in Christ means that I am fixed, steadfast, steady, sure, unchangingly in Him. And, in Him means that my instrumentality, purpose, and role in life is also intimately associated with Him. Who I am and what I do are at rest in Christ. Who I am (all that I am) and what I do (all that I do) are at rest in Jesus Christ, just as Christ Jesus is at rest in the Father, and as He is in me. In the midst of everything of this life, the Unchanging One (I AM THAT I AM) is in me, and as He is immutable, so He is in me; as He is faithful, so He is in me; as He is mighty, so He is in me; as He is holy, so He is in me; as He is righteous, so He is in me. I am at rest in Christ.”

What glorious grace He demonstrated to me in those moments! I felt much as I imagine Christian in Pilgrim’s Progress must have felt upon first seeing the Cross—unimaginable relief as my burden fell away from my back. No longer would I need to be tossed to and fro by the waves of circumstance, or emotion, or fear! No longer would I have the unbearable load of condemnation, nor the unbearable load of pride, fastened to my back. No, those burdens had all been relieved by finally seeing Christ’s cross and His grace for what it truly was, is, and always will be—an everlasting place of the sweetest rest. It is in Christ’s finished work on the Cross, and that alone, that we rest. It is the Cross that makes me righteous or unrighteous; it is the Cross that makes me accepted or condemned; it is the Cross that makes me adopted or estranged; it is the Cross that determines my eternal and temporal standing. No sin is so great that it drains Calvary of its grace; no good work is so good that it outshines Calvary. I am who I am because of the Cross of Jesus Christ. I am righteous, accepted in the Beloved. I am a daughter of the King, a sister of the Savior. As Hudson Taylor wrote in that same letter to his sister, “It is a wonderful thing to be really one with a risen and exalted Savior, to be a member of Christ!”

As the beautiful Light dawned in my mind, so many other things that God had been showing me throughout the semester clicked into place. The time that He had healed me of self-loathing and hatred for my person and my appearance, He had used the verse Psalm 116:7—“Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.” What a beautiful picture of God’s rest and grace—His bountiful dealings with us, and the open arms with which He invites us to Himself. Or His demand that “none of these things [of the world] move me”—a demand impossible apart from the grace of God, and yet perfectly plausible and even to be expected of a gracious God. Or His specific calling of me to be His daughter and to do His work—how ridiculous to think that a human could ever even serve the living God, let alone be in His family, be a precious treasure to Him! And yet, even this would-be blasphemy is miraculously acceptable because of the blood of Jesus Christ and the grace of the Father to look on Him and pardon me. The list goes on, but the thread that ties them all together is the same.

So, I suppose I have come up with a way to clearly and succinctly summarize my semester: It was a semester of having my eyes opened to the abundant riches of God’s grace in Jesus Christ. May you and I be blessed to know “the riches of His grace which He made to abound to us in all knowledge and prudence,” and may you and I never lose the wonder of the Cross and the grace there demonstrated by a loving God for His sinful creatures.

Somebody's Baby

There’s a song by Jon Foreman called “Somebody’s Baby” that has been on my mind a lot the last few days. Here are the lyrics…

She yells, “If you were homeless, sure as hell you'd be drunk

Or high or trying to get there,

Or begging for junk—

When people don't want you, they just throw you money for beer.”

Her name is November, 


She went by Autumn or Fall.


It was seven long years since the Autumn


when all of her nightmares grew fingers
and all of her dreams grew tears.

Chorus:
She's somebody's baby,

Somebody's baby girl. (x2)

And she's Somebody's baby still.

She screams, “Well, if you've never gone it alone;


Well, then go ahead—you better throw the first stone.

You got one lonely stoner waiting to bring to her knees.”

She dreams about heaven,

Remembering Hell,
as the nightmare she visits

And knows all to well—every now and again 
when she's sober,

She brushes her teeth



(Chorus)



Today was her birthday, strangely enough,

When the cops found her body at the foot of the bluff.

The anonymous caller this morning tipped off the police.

They got her ID from her dental remains—

The same fillings intact, the same nicotine stains.

The birth and the death were both over,

With no one to grieve.

(Chorus)

Yesterday, I went into Budapest with a few of my friends from the castle, and that song was stuck in my head all day. At the beginning of the day, I found myself saying aloud, “It would really be awful to be homeless here, because it’s so cold.” Later yesterday night, we were walking to the Metro station, and we walked down this street with a lot of abandoned storefronts. The sidewalk and the storefronts were shielded by an arch that kept out the cold and the snow a little bit. As we walked, I was heartbroken to see many men and women cuddled up in the abandoned store fronts under piles of blankets, trying to sleep and stay warm. This song echoed even louder in my mind as I struggled to maintain control of my emotions. One woman caught my attention, as she looked at me as I passed. I found myself muttering to myself, “She’s somebody’s baby girl—and she’s God’s baby still.” As I walked by, I smiled at her and wondered if there was something I could do to help. I didn’t want to just give her money—I wanted her to feel loved and be met in her very evident need of warmth. But, for the moment, I just continued to walk.

When we got to the metro, we dropped the boys off, and my friend Lyssandra and I sat down in a coffee shop and started to chat. As we were talking, I had the desire to just read the Word and pray, so we did. As we were praying (by this point, we had left the coffee shop and were walking back to the walking street to get dinner), Lyssandra prayed, “Lord, if there is anything we can do to help the homeless people, just lay it on our hearts right now.” At that moment, the Holy Spirit reminded me that I had thrown an extra beanie in my bag that morning for no apparent reason—I just felt like I should take it, just in case. As we passed by the same street where these men and women were sleeping, I saw her again, and went right up to her, beanie in hand. I smiled, forgetting at the moment how to say “Jesus loves you” in Hungarian (I think it’s something like “Jezus szeretlek teged”… I should figure that out), and handed her the beanie.

Later, after dinner, as Lyssandra and I were walking back to the metro to meet the guys, we passed by the woman, and I was heartbroken and blessed to see her beautiful face, with bright eyes, peaking out from beneath the hat I’d given her. She waved to me with a grin on her face.

She’s somebody’s baby girl, and she’s Somebody’s baby still.

Why Christians Need The Gospel

So, I’ll confess. I have had better weekends than this one. Here at the Bible College, each one of us is involved in practical ministry classes where we perform some sort of servant-hood activity that benefits our brothers and sisters here. My ministry this semester has been housekeeping in the coffee shop—i.e. vacuuming, dusting, and mopping the coffee shop from top to bottom every day. But, at the beginning of the semester, everyone was also assigned a weekend for which they would do what is known as “weekend team”—for the girls, this means serving six meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner on Sat/Sun) and for the guys, doing dish room for the same meals. Most students were assigned one weekend for which to be on weekend team. I, by God’s sovereignty, got two weekends—the weekend after our very first week of school, and this weekend.

This weekend, in addition to being (one of) my weekend(s) for weekend team, was also a huge conference of 100+ people, and though we were warned that there was a conference this weekend, I definitely was not prepared for how much of a trial it would be. Unbeknownst to me, this group has been to conferences here before, and, to put it nicely, are sometimes not the easiest people to deal with. In addition, the schedule for their conference was never quite set in stone, so the meals took upwards of two, two and a half hours to be fully done with. Doing the math, that is at least six hours in a day, which is almost the same as a full day of work.

This morning, I woke up exhausted and not wanting to go serve. Then, those feelings of frustration, exhaustion, and indignation just increased as I actually served. By the time breakfast was over two and a half hours later, I was on the verge of tears. I went outside and started to pray very, ehem, honestly to God. “God I am so angry! Why is this happening? Why are they being so rude? Why does this suck so much? Why did I of all people get weekend team twice? I’m SO tired,” all the while thinking in my head, “Like a sheep before its shearers is silent, so He opened not His mouth” and “Christ, who being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men” and “For even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.” So, of course, my prayers changed from indignation to desperation. “God, I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I’m so tired. I’m so upset and frustrated. I don’t want to be. I need You so badly. There’s no way I can do this on my own. Help my unbelief!” I was fumbling through my Bible, trying to find something, anything to read, and as I was about to stop on a page, a breeze blew the page over and down, and my eyes rested on this verse: “For I have satiated the weary soul, and I have replenished every sorrowful soul” [Jeremiah 31:25]. Needless to say, this was exactly what I needed to read. But my heart was still so agitated from these feelings of anger, indignation, pride, frustration, hurt, exhaustion that I couldn’t believe it in that moment, though I wanted so badly to.

I felt this morning like a little kid fighting with my father—struggling and struggling, at first, but then becoming so exhausted and frustrated in the struggle that they just start crying. They need to be calmed, to be soothed, and they can’t help themselves at all. I am so grateful for my Father, that through all my complaining and struggling, and then helpless crying, He soothed my troubled soul, satiated my weary soul, replenished my sorrowful soul. I was defeated in my flesh, there is no doubt—but He reminded me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness.” I needed to be exhausted of my resources for Him to show Himself great in me.

This is why Christians need the Gospel. We need the Gospel because we need the reassurance that Christ has defeated the grave and in it, has defeated the sin that clings to us and wearies our souls. We need the Gospel because we need the eyes that Christ has for people—to look out on a crowd that is pushy, frustrating, and needy, when we ourselves are exhausted and weak, and see them with eyes of compassion, as sheep in need of a Shepherd. We need the Gospel because we need the humility of the Cross—of a Savior who humbled Himself to the point of death, not counting equality with God a thing to be clutched, but made Himself nothing. We need the Gospel because we need the promise that, though we fail, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. We need the Gospel because we need a Father, and we need His Spirit of Adoption. We need the Gospel because we need strength in weakness and grace in times of testing. We need the Gospel because we can fail, but He is perfect. We need the Gospel, because the Cross gives us access to the throne room, where we can receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. We need the Gospel, because we need Him.

God's Oil

A certain woman of the wives of the sons of the prophets cried out to Elisha, saying, “Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that your servant feared the LORD. And the creditor is coming to take my two sons to be his slaves.” So Elisha said to her, “What shall I do for you? Tell me, what do you have in the house?” And she said, “Your maidservant has nothing in the house but a jar of oil.” Then he said, “God, borrow vessels from everywhere, from all your neighbors—empty vessels; do not gather just a few. And when you have come in, you shall shut the door behind you and your sons; then pour it into all those vessels, and set aside the full ones.” So she went from him and shut the door behind her and her sons, who brought the vessels to her; and she poured it out. Now it came to pass, when the vessels were full, that she said to her son, “Bring me another vessel.” And he said to her, “There is not another vessel.” So the oil ceased. [2 Kings 4:1-6]

Over the past few months, I’ve been trying to read through the Old Testament a little bit. For those of you who know my Bible-reading habits, I have always had a difficult time getting myself to read the Old Testament. I know it offers a wealth of knowledge to the believer, but for some reason, I haven’t been able to dig up anything from it. However, God has blessed me with at least the diligence to read through some of the Old Testament this semester at Bible college, and I think I’m finally breaking through the ground and getting to the treasure beneath. The story above, found in 2 Kings 4, is one of those treasures. A few things caught my eye as I was reading through, and I wanted to share them with you.

First, as Elisha comes onto the scene, something stood out to me. Elisha asked her what she had in her home, and it is that very thing, the last thing that she possessed, that he calls her to give up. Oftentimes, I think Christ works in this same way. For a non-believer, it is Christ’s taking away the last thing we were clinging to that brings us the point of desperation for His salvation. It was that way for me, at least. And even to this day, as a believer, God is constantly taking away the things I most depend on—family, friends, feelings of security or comfort—in order to show Himself great in my weakness. This oil could’ve been used for food, for lighing lamps, for anointing, or for putting on wounds, even. It was the only thing of value that she had; and yet she willingly gave it over to Elisha to use as God instructed him. I wonder sometimes if I give up those things in my life that are so valuable to me with such willingness. For example, the desire to be married is one of the things that is so important to me; yet I still find it almost impossible to give that desire over the Lord. I find myself making excuses, saying, “But this is the way it’s supposed to be! Genesis 2:24, people. Shouldn’t God give this to me? This is too important and valuable for me to give up. How, oh how, could I ever trust God with this?” Obviously, the whole thing, particularly the last part, is ridiculous. And yet this is how many of us, from what I’ve seen, act so much of the time—unwilling to give the things that are of value to us to Him. But without giving those things to God, He cannot take them and make them valuable in His eyes, make them good on a whole new level.

Which brings me to my next point. What is the one thing that described the vessels Elisha asked the woman to bring to him? Empty. In order for God to fill us up with His goodness and with the transformed desires of our heart, we must first be empty. You can’t fill a vessel that is already full. And notice when the blessing of God to this woman ended—when there was no longer an empty vessel to fill. I think this is a very crucial point. We can’t accept the blessing of God if we are still clinging to our own ideas, desires, hopes for our lives. We have to empty ourselves of them to be full of God’s desires, hopes, and blessings for our lives. And if it happens that we are plugged up with our desires or even our sin, then the blessings of God cannot come to us, in a sense. Obviously, God blesses all of us every day with life and breath and sunshine, etc. and He is not hindered or interrupted in His purposes if He chooses to do something. But for the believer, there is a very real threat of having a heart so hardened by sin or so distracted by our own thoughts and our own ways that we can miss His blessing. He desires us to choose Him and His ways and His thoughts and His worship and His plans, not to just force them on us.

This is convicting for me, for often I am so caught up in this world and in my own ideas that I don’t believe God’s plan is really better for me. But as the often quoted but under appreciated Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.” Trust in the LORD, trust in His vision, trust in His plans, trust in His will, trust in His purposes, trust in His desires, trust in His heart, and empty yourself of you—and you will not be disappointed in His glorious plan for your life. The things of this world are vanity apart from God. There is no good thing apart from God, nothing that is true, noble, just, pure, lovely; for every good and perfect gift is from above. Like Ecclesiastes often says, there is nothing new under the sun, and all is vain, empty, apart from God. As Paul said in front of the philosophers and thinkers at Athens, “in Him we live and move and have our being.” Or as he echoes in his letter to the Colossians, “All things were created through Him and for Him, and He is before all things, and in Him all things consist.” If only we had this all-consuming, all-encompassing vision of Christ! Pouring out a jar of oil would be nothing, for the God who makes the atoms that comprise that oil is for us, not against us. Trusting God for our finances would be simple, for the God that guides the powers of the earth and supplies the needs of His children has loved us with an everlasting love. Choosing to take up our cross would be easy, because the God who loved us so much that He sent His son to die for us has empowered us to put to death the flesh and walk in the freedom of the Spirit. Do you know the greatness of our God? He stretched out the heavens like a tent and He knows the stars by name. He brings rulers to nothing; He confuses the plans of leaders. He parts seas, calms storms, silences demons, cures disease, stops the mouths of lions, brings the dead to life. He speaks and who can turn it back? He is unchanging, everlasting, eternal, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Prince of Peace, Alpha and Omega. This is the God of the universe. And this is the God that loves you. Trust in Him and Him alone, for He will never leave you nor forsake you.

Ten Day Outreach :)

Hey all! As I think most of you know, I recently went on a ten-day outreach to Pecs, Hungary. It was INCREDIBLE! I wanted to give you all at least a small idea of the things I did and learned while there, so I'm going to post a paper I wrote about my trip here. Hope you enjoy! If you have any questions, feel free to comment and ask them and I will try to answer :)

Ten-day outreach. Wow. Where to even begin? God is so good to us. Throughout this whole trip, I was overwhelmed and blown away by the love and blessing God pours out on His children, particularly when they are obedient and submissive to Him.

For the ten-day outreach, I went to Pécs, Hungary. My team was lead by Wendy, Bolacs, Leah, Kim, and Andrew, and the rest of our team members were Sarah, Mana, Madi, Jamie, Cameron, Maksym, Matyas, and Ross. From a logistics standpoint, our schedule was pretty busy. We got into Pécs on Friday, October 21, and spent the day sharing testimonies, getting the schedule for the next week, and just generally preparing. Saturday we organized a youth night; Sunday we had church, then free time in the afternoon; Monday morning we visited an old-folks’ home and evening hosted a Bible study for the girls at the local university; Tuesday morning visited a different old-folks’ home and evening organized a prayer meeting; Wednesday morning did prison ministry and evening held church; Thursday morning organized and ran a homeless lunch, after which we had free time in the afternoon; Friday morning shared at a troubled high school and evening organized a youth night/concert; Saturday organized and ran a rummage sale, and then debriefed from the trip; and finally Sunday prepped for church and then headed home. In whatever free time we had, unless otherwise noted above, we made food, hung out with the church kids in the park, prepared for the events, etc.

I learned so much on this trip—God, help me remember all of it—that I will try to put into words. First of all, I don’t think I’ve ever realized the blessing of serving the LORD. I mean, I knew that the LORD does bless those that serve Him and is pleased by our faith in Him, but I have never experienced that more than I experienced on this trip. Though our team was so busy and so tired, God was not; He took our tiredness and busyness and turned it into His work. I feel like God ministered to me more than He did to anyone else we served, though obviously I’m in no position to judge that. There were all these times where we faced such spiritual attack; and yet He took all of those situations and turned them on their heads and used them for good (as in Genesis 50:20). God is triumphant—in our lives, in the church, over Satan. It is incredible, and I am so blessed to have seen His power and His victory at work over these last ten days. For example, when the girls on our team went to the prison on Wednesday, not only did every single woman we shared with cry (Leah had warned us that we shouldn’t expect any kind of response from them), but we also got to have a tour of the prison, seeing the cells and a little bit of how they run it. I feel like everything that we did was just us going to God and offering ourselves as a sacrifice for His work, and then just allowing Him to move as He pleased. The work of the LORD is so satisfying when it is done in His strength, on His timing, and by His power.

On that note, though, I also got just a small taste of what it is like to be in ministry. I know that it was so small relative to a lifetime of ministry, but seeing what Leah and Bolacs, and Kim and Andy to a certain extent, do on a daily basis was humbling and encouraging. It stoked the flame that God has started in my heart for missions, but reminded me that it is all of Him and His power. Just by what I saw over these ten days, I know that ministry of any kind cannot be done for long without the power and guidance of the Holy Spirit through prayer. What power a praying body of believers has! I’m still trying to figure out how exactly prayer works, but I know it both changes the heart of the pray-ers and allows God’s people to be involved with the plans that He is going to accomplish for them. To see the truth of Isaiah 55:10-11 in action was so awesome—“For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.” To be able to pray that God would accomplish His purposes and then see Him do so was incredible.

I think that is something God has been showing me this whole semester—how real He is. I know it should seem like an obvious thing, but I think because we are in the flesh, I often tend to believe generally that God is a real Being with a Spirit and with emotions and thoughts, etc, but never specifically believe that He is real in my life. Sure, He may have done all the miracles He did in the Bible—and I believe that He did them—but I subconsciously don’t believe that He does the same, if not more, for me. But He showed me that He does answer my prayers. He does come and give me the words to say when I have none. He does comfort me in my affliction and give me peace in anxiety. His Spirit is real and truly provides those things. It is not an accident, it is not coincidence that after I pray or spend time in the Word I have peace and a quiet heart. It is the work of the living God, and how often do I disregard it! But this week, God proved Himself to me in a mighty way. I said things that I could have never said on my own; I had strength not my own, peace not my own, joy not my own, love not my own, excitement not my own, encouragement not my own; for every good and perfect gift is from above. God is so real! I pray that I will continue to see His reality more and more in my life.

One of the last things that really stood out to me that God showed me on this trip was just that ‘[our] adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” Towards the second half of the trip, the team and I started to really notice spiritual attack, and it was a good but humbling reminder that not only do we need to pray for success and God’s power to do His work, but furthermore, we need to pray for His protection from this lion. But praise be to Him!—“He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world.”

Sorry it ends kind of abruptly... I didn't really know how to end it, and I was two words short of going over my word limit, so I just ended it :) But there it is!

Miss you all!

Rachel

Holy Spirit

Hey everyone! This is a paper I wrote on the Holy Spirit for a midterm in my Acts class. I thought I'd share my findings with everyone :) Enjoy!

The Bible is full of references to the Holy Spirit. From Genesis to Revelation, the Holy Spirit is prominent and important. But, for the believer, some of the most telling mentions of the Holy Spirit are found in the book of Acts. The Holy Spirit plays a huge role in the lives of individual believers and in the establishment and continuation of the church. He is a guarantee to believers of their salvation and a fulfillment of Jesus’ promise that He would send a Helper to them after He left them. By studying the book of Acts, we see the Holy Spirit filling believers to confirm their salvation, give them boldness in the face of persecution, and speak and work wonders through them for the edification and increase of the church.

Before we jump into studying the Holy Spirit, I want to begin where Luke began this account—at the ascension of Christ to heaven. Before He ascended, Jesus left the disciples with a final word: “You shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth” (Acts 1:8) Based on the Holy Spirit’s preeminence both in Jesus’ finals words and Luke’s text, it is clear that the Holy Spirit will be the sole driving force behind the acts of the Apostles that Luke records. The word used in the book of Acts to refer to the Holy Spirit is the Greek word πνεῦμα, or pneuma. It means “the third person of the triune God, the Holy Spirit, coequal, coeternal with the Father and the Son,” according to Blue Letter Bible.

The main way the Spirit evidences Himself in the believer’s life is through His filling the believer. Luke, it seems, is the only writer to use the phrase “filled with the Holy Spirit,” because it only occurs in his gospel and in the book of Acts. As I read through Acts, I found myself wondering, “What does it mean to be filled with the Holy Spirit? What are the evidences of being filled with the Holy Spirit or what kinds of things are possible for those filled with the Holy Spirit? How are we filled with the Holy Spirit? Is there a difference between being filled with the Holy Spirit and having the Holy Spirit come upon you?” The first time the phrase “filled with the Holy Spirit” appears in Acts is in chapter 2, verse 4: “And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance.” In this verse, the Greek word translated “filled” is πίμπλημι, or pimplēmi, which means “to be fulfilled, to be filled.” This is an interesting play on words, for though they were filled with the Spirit, the filling of the Spirit was also a fulfillment of Jesus’ promise that He would send the Holy Spirit to them. Based on the context of this passage and the other passages in Acts that use this phrase, we can gather that being filled with the Holy Spirit can have any number of effects on the believer. In this circumstance, the filling of the Spirit was accompanied by speaking in tongues; in other circumstances, it is accompanied with boldness to face persecution (Acts 4:31), with the ability to powerfully wield the Scriptures (Acts 4:9), with the removal of scales from eyes (Acts 9:18-19), or, oppositely, with blindness (Acts 13:9). In other situations, individuals are said to be full of the Spirit: specifically, Stephen, who is twice described as being full of the Spirit; and Barnabas (Acts 6:5, 7:55; Acts 11:24). For these men, being full of the Spirit meant for one, surrender to martyrdom, and for the other, pouring out that Spirit in encouragement on other believers. Or, the Spirit is described in relation to men as coming and falling upon them, as is the case with the first Gentile believers, Cornelius and those in his household. Whatever the terminology may be, however, the common denominator is the Holy Spirit is now working in the lives of these believers (though I think He abides in all believers as a seal and guarantee from the moment of salvation; in these instances of being filled with the Spirit, His life in them becomes action in them). I think this is what is meant when Jesus talks in Acts 1:5 of being “baptized with the Holy Spirit.” The word used for baptized here is the Greek word is the word βαπτίζω, or baptizō. Three appropriate definitions are given: 1) to dip repeatedly, to immerse, to submerge (of vessels sunk) 2) to cleanse by dipping or submerging, to wash, to make clean with water, to wash one's self, bathe 3) to overwhelm. Baptism with the Spirit, then, represents an overwhelming of the self with the Spirit, or a submerging of the self into the Spirit. According to the example Shaun gave in class, the word is used of a cucumber that has been “baptized” in vinegar—it is permanently submerged, and ultimately permanently changed. Thus, we see that when someone is baptized in the Spirit, it is an eternal change.

In Acts, we see that the Holy Spirit fills people with or without the laying on of hands, and both before and after physical water baptism. Thus, it is evident that the Holy Spirit is not limited by human constraints, but moves in whatever way He pleases. In fact, this very thing is evidenced in His first appearance to the church in Acts in chapter 2: it is described as, “And suddenly there came a sound from heaven, as of a rushing might wind, and it filled the whole house where they were sitting” (Acts 2:2). This text can be evaluated in light of Jesus’ words in John 3:8 about the movement of the Spirit, where He said, “The wind blows where it wishes, but you cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit.” Thus, the Holy Spirit establishes from His arrival that He is going to do great things that men cannot and do not expect of Him according to God’s good pleasure. Another cool issue addressed by this passage that we see fulfilled in Acts is the fact that ‘you cannot tell where…it goes.” Nicodemus (to whom Jesus is speaking in John 3) and other Jews would never have expected the Spirit to fill Gentiles, and when it happened with Cornelius and his family in Acts 10, they were, indeed, shocked. But the Spirit goes where it pleases according to the will of the Father and Son.

The Holy Spirit’s work in the church is vital. As the guarantee of God’s Word, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit is seen working in the church to send out believers (Acts 13:4), speak to and through believers (Acts 1:16, 2:4, 4:8, 13:2, 19:6, 21:11, 28:25) forbid believers from going to certain places (Acts 16:6), testify to the will of God (Acts 20:23), and appoint overseers of the Church (Acts 20:28). Luke emphasizes the importance of the Holy Spirit in the church in one particular story where the Holy Spirit is disrespected: that is, by Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5. When Ananias and Sapphira lie to the apostles about the money they gave to the church, they both fall dead because they had “lie[d] to the Holy Spirit” and “test[ed] the Spirit of the Lord” (Acts 5:3, 9). Unity was one of the key characteristics of the early church that made it so successful; and unity was upheld by the Holy Spirit. Thus, not only do Ananias and Sapphira lie to the Holy Spirit, but, furthermore, they hinder His work in the church to bring unity by their sin. It’s cool to me, however, that though the Holy Spirit is necessary for the proper functioning of the whole church body, it is first necessary that He be present and actively working in each believer. I think we can see that both in this story and in the means by which the Holy Spirit came. Ananias and Sapphira’s personal sin would have affected the whole body; the tongues of fire that came when the Spirit first filled the believers were over each individual believer’s head; it wasn’t one large tongue over the group, but each believer was personally filled—“one [tongue] sat on each of them” (Acts 2:4).

There have been so many things I have learned from studying about the Holy Spirit. First of all, I think I didn’t ever realize just how much the Holy Spirit does—I mean, I knew vaguely He is involved in a lot of the Christian walk, but to see the specifics in Acts was super awesome. As far as application, I would really like to be able to hear the voice of the Spirit and learn how to pray in the Spirit more consistently. There are times I am praying that I know the Spirit has put it on my heart to say those things, and it is always so sweet to see how the prayers that I pray by His power are the ones that I really evidently, clearly, quickly see Him answer. I think it’s kind of hard to know how to apply the things I’ve learned though, because I’ve seen that the Holy Spirit works and moves on His own initiative according to the will of God. He sometimes fills believers before physical baptism, sometimes after; sometimes He comes by the laying on of hands, sometimes He doesn’t; sometimes He brings tongues and prophecies when He fills people; other times He doesn’t. But I think the common theme in the attitude of those in whom He worked greatly was submission to His voice and spirit and humility to do His work. I think another point of application for me is to make sure that I don’t disregard the Holy Spirit. I am embarrassed to say it, but I oftentimes find myself not even really considering the Holy Spirit God! Even when I started writing this paper, I found myself referring to Him as an ‘it.’ Reading through Acts and seeing everything He did, and the reality of His work and presence in these believers, really reminded me that He is God and I should be in awe of the fact that as a believer, He is in me. I think another application, looking through the different effects the filling with the Spirit had on believers, is that any small right thing is something down by the power of the Spirit. For example, we see in Acts 4 that Peter is filled with the Spirit… to preach. It seems somewhat anticlimactic, but God’s purpose for the Spirit is for His name to be preached and glorified. Sometimes that means you sacrifice your life to death like Stephen; other times that means you sacrifice your life to death daily by putting the flesh to death. Sometimes it means healing people of blindness and other diseases; sometimes it means being bold in the face of persecution. As Romans 8:13 says, “For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live” (my emphasis added). Our job is not to determine how the Spirit will work in our lives; but whether or not we will submit to His voice when it has spoken and shown the way.

From Bud To Bloom :)

This morning in my time with the LORD, I read Ephesians 1:1-10 . As I read, I decided to slow down and break the Scripture up (as I’ve been learning to do in my Inductive Bible Study class, looking up the Greek of many of the verbs and terms) and see what the LORD would show me. A theme verse in my time here in Hungary has been Psalm 116:7, which says, “Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.” So when I came to verse 8 of Ephesians 1, I was drawn to what it said, that “He made [the riches of His grace] abound to us in all wisdom and prudence.” I looked up “abound” on Blue Letter Bible and its definition is as follows: “a thing which comes in abundance, or overflows unto one, something [which] falls to the lot of one in large measure.” But at the bottom of the page was a little box, which read, “‘Abounding’ is used of a flower going from a bud to full bloom.” :)

What a thought! That the riches of His grace abounding to us are what make us as humans bloom into the full beauty of what we were made to be. You can definitely say that a bud of a flower is still a flower; but it is not a flower in its final, most glorious state. Humans apart from Christ are flower buds—we are meant to go on to full bloom in the light of the knowledge of the glory of God, according to the riches of His grace. No one looks at a flower bud and says, “Wow, what a perfect flower bud!” No, we expect more of it, and are, in fact, disappointed if it never blooms. And yet the state of every soul upon entering the world is in this bud-like state.

It gives me such hope to think of humanity in this way. Salvation is for all—every flower is meant to bloom. We are all meant to come into the fullness of our glory under the radiance of His—just like a flower comes into the fullness of its glory under the radiance of the sun. We were created to bloom in the light of our Savior, the Son. This is why the Psalmist cries, “Cause Your face to shine on us!” God desires to bring us all into the glory of His grace—for us all to be blessed, holy, without blame, adopted, redeemed, forgiven, to use the words of this Ephesians text.

May we view our non-Christian friends—and the non-Christian world in general—in this way—as buds needing just a little light to burst forth into a beautiful bloom! And, remember—in Christ, we are just like this beautiful bloom :) We are predestined for blessing and holiness and blamelessness because of the redemption by His blood. Praise God for turning this little bud into a beautiful flower!

Do You Want To Be Healed?

I joked in my last blog entry that I’d been noticing a lot of similarities between myself and Biblical cripples lately—maybe that meant God was trying to tell me something? But, over the last week or so, I’ve realized my kidding was right on the square.

As many of you know (and as some of you are about to find out!), I’ve struggled with captivity to self-loathing my whole life. I am harshly critical of myself—my sin, my looks, my personality—pretty much everything about myself. This has affected me in every area of my life, diminishing my joy, extinguishing my love, and, for all intents and purposes, throttling the very life that Jesus died to bestow upon me.

Last Friday, I found myself becoming discouraged and depressed and falling prey again to the same lies that have plagued me my whole life—you’re not enough, you’re not enough, you’re not enough. Whatever that enough might have been, whether beautiful, smart, funny, loving, godly, passionate, it was always the same lie. “Sure, Christ may have died for you, but you’re still not enough. There’s no way He can take your life and make anything of it. You’re ugly, sinful, and an all around failure. Just give it up now. There’s no point in trying.”

As I felt myself on the verge of tears, in the midst of the lies screaming at me, I heard the still small voice of the Savior: Go outside and pour yourself out before Me. Now, let me tell you, the weather in Hungary has been pretty cold—this particular day, it had been storming on and off all day, and the weather was not especially inviting me to go outside and cry out to God.

But, against my natural self, I bundled up and walked around outside until I found a tree at whose base I knelt in the ground. In that moment, in the cold and dark and wet, I cried to my LORD for help, to be set free from this prison that had been my reality. And then, in the midst of my cries and confusion, I heard Him speak again: Do you want to be healed?

Startled, I found myself hesitating momentarily, but then stuttering, “…Yes.” Fifteen minutes passed, during which I walked around the castle, still praying, reading my Bible, meditating. And then, again, I heard the LORD ask, Do you want to be healed? This time, my answer came with more certainty: “Yes.” At this point, I was more calm and at peace, and was searching through the Scriptures when I came to two Psalms: Psalm 142 and Psalm 116. Psalm 142:7 reads, “Bring me out of prison, that I may give thanks to your name! The righteous will surround me, for you will deal bountifully with me.” As I prayed for the LORD to bring me out of prison, I happened to flip open to Psalm 116—“I love the LORD, because He has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because He inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call on Him as long as I live…Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.”

The stunning simplicity and beauty of these verses brought tears to my eyes then and now as I read it again. The LORD had heard my voice and was tenderly coaxing my soul into His glorious rest—Return, Rachel, to your rest; for I have dealt bountifully with you.

Getting up and walking back to the castle, the LORD asked me one final time: Do you want to be healed? Yes, LORD, I do. I want to be healed from my crippled life. The problem in my life is not a matter of seeing or hearing—I have seen and heard the gospel, seen and heard that Christ died for me and that because of that, I am saved. But, I am crippled. What I should be able to do, I cannot. The truth of the gospel, though seen and heard and understood, has not brought empowerment to my life because of the disbelief of my heart and the lies I have believed, particularly these ones.

Like the cripple in Mark 2, the cripple in Acts 3, and the cripple in John 5, I have not been able to walk in peace alongside my Savior in the freedom He set me free for.

But I am here to proclaim:

The LORD has set another captive free. The LORD has made this cripple walk.

Alms

"Now Peter and John were going up to the temple at the hour of prayer, the ninth hour. And a man lame from birth was being carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple that is called the Beautiful Gate to ask alms of those entering the temple. Seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple he asked to receive alms. And Peter directed his gaze at him, as did John, and said, 'Look at us.' And he fixed his attention on them expecting to receive something from them. But Peter said, 'I have no silver and gold but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!...And leaping up he stood and began to walk, and entered the temple with them, walking and leaping and praising God'" [Acts 3:1-6, 8]

For my MW Acts class, I just finished reading this story/chapter in the book of Acts. As I read through again, combing it for details to answer some homework questions, I paused as I re-read these first six verses. A couple of things jumped out to me that I hadn't noticed the first time, parallels which I saw between myself and the cripple (maybe God is trying to tell me something? I've been noticing a lot of parallels between myself and the cripples of the Bible lately... haha). The phrase "from birth" had been small enough for me to skim right over in the past. This time, however, I was reminded of Ephesians 2:1-3, which reads, "And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience--among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind." We are by nature children of wrath--just like this man was lame from birth.

Once noticing this, I also noticed what this man who was lame from birth was doing--asking for alms. And how often did he do this? Daily. Clearly, this is not a long term solution. And yet, for this man and for us, without Christ's power in our lives, we have to live off the spare change of the world. We have to live off whatever we can get for ourselves--whatever goodness we can muster, whatever love we can create, whatever joy we can grasp at. And yet, none of it makes any difference. In the same way that alms could do nothing to heal this man's legs, our "moral" deeds will do nothing to purify our sinful souls. The problem isn't addressed by the correct solution.

And then along come Peter and John, who have and are willing to share the truth and the power that this man needs, and what is his (initial) response? "He fixed his attention on them, expecting to receive something from them." Wow.

Though this man did not know that the men who were speaking with him could offer both a permanent and full solution to his problem (a la Hebrews 10:14)--that is, Jesus Christ--I wonder sometimes if I come to Christ and ask for alms. In fact, I know I do. I come to Him and I ask for Him to take away some one or other inconvenient sin, or something that makes me look bad to other people, without really wanting the full healing--not wanting to see my heart actually changed, or not wanting to actually have to go through the process of healing. I want a quick fix to my problem, but the problem with quick fixes is they are fleeting and don't really address my real need--to be purified from dead works to serve the living God (Hebrews 9:14). As long as I continue looking to Christ and asking for alms--for the superficial, temporary solution to my brokenness--I will never be healed, because I can not save myself. Thankfully, however, our LORD extends grace even when we come to Him asking for something less than His full sanctifying power working in us to form Him in us. Peter and John take after their Master when they say, "I have no silver or gold but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!"

I hope that next time I see brokenness in my life, I can come in faith to Christ and ask for His healing. But, at the least, I hope the next time I ask for alms and receive healing instead that I will respond with the same joy this man did, with "walking and leaping and praising God". "And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" (Philippians 1:6). Praise God that whether or not we necessarily ask for it, He will bring our sanctification and perfection to completion in His power and grace through the suffering, death, and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. :)

Awake My Soul

Awake, my soul--for you were meant to meet your Maker.
--Mumford and Sons

This morning, I went on my first run around the castle grounds and a little ways into the town of Vajta. I don't think there are words to express how breathtakingly, incredibly, awesomely beautiful it was. Last night, it was stormy and thundering and lightninging, but when my roommate Tiffany and our friend Karen and I went out this morning, the sun was just breaking through the clouds and the castle grounds were still and quiet. As we ran, the soft light reflected off the tiny dew drops on the grass and the trees, and the stones shifted beneath our feet. I was awe-struck--tears literally began to fall down my cheeks as I smiled and expressed for what must have been the 100th time since arriving here, "I can't BELIEVE we live in a CASTLE!!! What the HECK!"

The words that kept repeating in my head as I ran were, "Awake, my soul--for you were meant to meet your Maker." I think I just saw my Maker a little more clearly :)

Fear

So, I will confess: I had a minor breakdown yesterday. It all started around 5 pm, when I had been packing for five hours and, alas, all of my stuff was not fitting. Now, before you jump to any conclusions, I had a pile the height of Mt. Everest of stuff I had decided I didn't need to take--I really thought I had cut down as much as I could. And, in my exasperation and hopelessness, the thought crossed my mind, "Well, maybe I just can't bring my pillow." And that's when the tears started to flow. I barely had time to walk/run to my sister and force out, "I-think-I'm-having-a-minor-breakdown-I-need-a-hug" before it was just a geyser of tears.

By the time my sister had calmed me down a bit, I was starting to worry. If I was so upset over not taking a pillow, any other complication would definitely be more upsetting (though, in my pillow's defense, it is a great pillow). Thankfully, at this point, the Holy Spirit reminded me of Himself, and I forced myself to take a much needed Scripture break, and how the LORD came through!

I flipped open to Isaiah (my go-to for encouragement and reminders of who our God is) and started reading in Isaiah 43, ending in the early verses of Isaiah 45. In these wonderful chapters, God reminded me of four things that put to rest my fears and doubts and renewed my faith and trust in Him:

1. He is the LORD--"I am the LORD, your Holy One, the Creator of Israel, your King." [Is. 43:15]
2. He is my [only] Rock--"Fear not, nor be afraid; have I not told you from of old and declared it? And you are my witnesses! Is there a God besides me? There is no Rock; I know not any." [Isaiah 44:8]
3. He will not forget me--"Remember these things, O Jacob, and Israel, for you are My servant; I formed you; you are My servant; O Israel, you will not be forgotten by Me. I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like a mist; return to Me, for I have redeemed you." [Isaiah 44:21-22]
4. He will go before me--"I will go before you and level the exalted places, I will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut through the bars of iron, I will give you the treasure of darkness and the hoards in secret places, that you may know that it is I, the LORD, the God of Israel, who call you by your name. For the sake of my servant Jacob, and Israel my chosen, I call you by your name, I name you, though you do not know me." [Isaiah 45:2-4]

These verses particularly stood out because they each calmed a fear that I had been feeling. The first passage in Isaiah 43 was a reminder of God's sovereign authority and hand in my life. The word LORD when it is used in all caps has a definition that is distinguished from the word Lord by its emphasis on God's sovereignty over all things (I believe--correct me if I'm wrong here). He is my LORD and King, and whatever difficulties (big or small) I come across in these next four months, He has guided me to and will, by His grace, guide me through.

The next passage caught my eye because it commanded me to "Fear not, nor be afraid." As I alluded to in my last post on the paralytic, the LORD does not give us commands that He Himself is not willing or able to carry out in us. Every command we are given by God is really an offer, an invitation to accept His grace and receive that which He demands of us and gives us at the same time. I also love how God in Scripture always backs up the commandments or statements He makes. Isn't it crazy how even His Scriptures are humble? I mean, He's the Sovereign LORD of the universe--that should be enough to have us trust His Word implicitly. But, He oftentimes humbles Himself to show us why He commands us to do things, because He loves us and knows how little faith we have. So, instead of just saying "Fear not, nor be afraid" and leaving it at that, He goes on to show how it is we are capable of doing that--because there are no other gods besides our God, and there are no other rocks besides our Rock. No matter how much is changing around us, no matter what storm is beating down on us, our God is a Rock upon which we can stand, firmly anchored to His love and His peace when all else fails.

The third passage was very encouraging to me because it spoke to perhaps the greatest fear I have in leaving for Hungary: being forgotten. I know it seems ridiculous, but I find myself wondering, Will people forget me? Will they move on with their lives and leave me behind? Will my friends, family, classmates, etc. even remember that I'm gone? And yet my fears of being forgotten by people on this earth are much less founded in reality than any fears I might have of being forgotten by God. The Holy God of the universe would have much more reason to "forget" me than any of my friends or family would, because I am a sinner--and yet He promises me, "You will not be forgotten by Me." How incredible! And again, He gives me the reason why: "I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like a mist." I love the parallel structure here: God calls me to remember that God will always remember me because He has "forgotten" my sin through His redemption of me by His Son's death on the Cross!

The fourth and final passage speaks to another huge fear of mine: failure in the new things I will be called to face while in Hungary, or, in other words, the inability to surmount the new obstacles or situations that will be in my path. But again, I find that the LORD has a word for me in this: "I will go before you and level the exalted places, I will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut down through the bars of iron." How amazing! My Good Shepherd has gone before me to Hungary already, and has already searched the path that I will walk and cleared it of any hazards or dangers as long as I keep my eyes steadfastly set on Him. All of those things that I fear not being able to do? He's leveled, broken, and cut those down. And why? "That you may know that it is I, the LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name." I like to imagine that the name referred to here is the same name referenced in Revelation 2:17--"He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who conquers I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, with a new name written on the stone that no one knows except the one who receives it." This isn't just any name that we will be given--this is the name that defines us as we were created to be, and as we will be if we let Christ make us so (a la C.S. Lewis, "We have only the slightest notion of the tremendous thing God means to make of us."). This is the name given us by the One who created us, loves us, formed us in our mothers' wombs, knows our hearts and thoughts, and has planned every step for us to take from this moment until we reach Him in eternity.

As you might have guessed, I was very encouraged and humbled to remember the care my Heavenly Father has for me. I hope if you find yourself discouraged or lonely or upset that you might look upon these verses and find the same hope and encouragement in them that I did. Oh, and just for your information, I decided to check a second bag, so the pillow is coming with me! :)

Rise

"And when Jesus returned to Capernaum after some days, it was reported that He was at home. And many were gathered together, so that there was no more room, not even at the door. And He was preaching the word to them. And they came, bringing to him a paralytic carried by four men. And when they could not get near Him because of the crowd, they removed the roof above Him, and when they had made an opening, they let down the bed on which the paralytic lay. And when Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven." Now some of the scribes were sitting there, questioning in their hearts, "Why does this man speak like that? He is blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?" And immediately Jesus, perceiving in His spirit that they thus questioned within themselves, said to them, "Why do you question these things in your hearts? Which is easier, to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Rise, take up your bed, and walk'? But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins"--He said to the paralytic--"I say to you, rise, pick up your bed, and go home." And he rose and immediately picked up his bed and went out before them all, so that they were all amazed and glorified God, saying, "We never saw anything like this!""

This story is recorded in the Gospel of Mark in chapter 2, verses 1-12. I've been hovering around the Gospel of Mark a lot over the last few months, and yesterday I came across this story that I've read many times before, and the Holy Spirit opened up my eyes to something I'd missed in the interactions in the last four verses (beginning with "And immediately Jesus..."). Leading up to this verse, it seems to me that the core interaction has been between Jesus and the crowd, specifically the four men who are carrying the paralytic. Mark describes the great lengths that these men go to to get their friend in to this room to see Jesus, and also notes that Jesus recognized their faith. Then, because of the faith of his friends, Jesus says to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven."

At this point in the story, the scribes are brought into play. Upon hearing Jesus' words to the paralytic, they start to question in their hearts who this man thinks He is to say He can forgive sins? That is something only God can do!

And then, we get to the final interactions of the text: those between Christ and the scribes and between Christ and the paralytic.

"And immediately Jesus, perceiving in His spirit that they thus questioned within themselves, said to them, "Why do you question these things in your hearts? Which is easier, to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Rise, take up your bed, and walk'? But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins"--He said to the paralytic--"I say to you, rise, pick up your bed, and go home." And he rose and immediately picked up his bed and went out before them all, so that they were all amazed and glorified God, saying, "We never saw anything like this!""

What astonished me about this story was the interaction between Christ and the paralytic, and the huge stakes dependent on it. When Jesus perceives that the scribes are doubting Him, He doesn't bring down fire from heaven on them; He doesn't call on angels to just take Him away from these doubting creatures; no, He does something equally incredible. He turns to the paralytic. He says to the scribes, "Which is easier, to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Rise, take up your bed, and walk'? But that you man know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgiven sins"--He said to the paralytic--"I say to you, Rise, pick up your bed, and go home."

Whoa whoa whoa. Do you see what happens here? All of a sudden, this is between Christ and the paralytic. This is Christ extending a huge offer of grace to this paralytic--but there's a catch. The paralytic must have the faith to believe in Christ. Sure, Christ has seen the faith of the paralytic's friends, which is what prompted Christ's "scandalous" forgiveness of the paralytic's sin in the first place. But now, Christ turns to this man and says, "Rise, pick up your bed, and go home." Do you notice that there is no mention of Jesus offering a hand out to this paralytic? This is Christ, vulnerable and humble, probing to see if this paralytic will demonstrate the same kind of faith that his friends did. And what is even more astounding is what is at risk if this paralytic does not have faith in Christ. If the paralytic stands up and walks, it is proof of Jesus' divinity and His ability to forgive sins; if, however, the paralytic does not stand up, it completely undermines Christ's authority to forgive sins. If I had been Christ, I think I would've reached a hand out to this man, made sure that what I had invested my evidence in would come through. But that's not how Christ works. No, Christ always gives us free will to answer His calling with obedience in faith, or to ignore His calling with disobedience because of disbelief. This paralytic could have thought, "Yeah, who is this Christ to say that my sins are forgiven? I don't think He can do that any more than He can heal my paralysis" or "As much as I want to believe that this Christ can heal me, all I've lived with my whole life is paralysis, and I can't fathom my life different from that; it's too good to be true."

And yet, this is what it comes down to. At this point, after Christ's stunning instruction (and invitation, even) to the paralytic to Rise, the story quiets in my mind. Christ has opened up the path to freedom, the path to healing, the path to Himself--now He waits to see the paralytic's response. Christ is looking at the paralytic, the paralytic is looking at Christ--it's just the two of them.

And then:

"The paralytic rose and immediately picked up his bed and went home."

What a breathtaking climax! Because of his faith, the paralytic has walked, and in the process, has given one of the most beautiful defenses or proofs for Christ's deity that will ever be given--"they were all amazed and glorified God, saying, 'We never saw anything like this!'"

Now, this practically convicted me in a few ways. First of all, I was reminded that we never know who is watching when God calls us to take leaps of faith. Obviously, the paralytic knew that the scribes and everyone else were watching to see if Jesus' claim to be able to forgive sins was true, but in our case, it's usually not that blatant. Hand in hand with that, I also remembered that faith is hard. I mean, the idea of walking to this man was inconceivable. He knew that some people walked, he knew that some people's legs worked, he knew that it was possible--but it had never been possible for him. And yet, I was reminded, too, of the overwhelming compassion and power of Christ. Compassion, in that He offered this man such life and freedom, literally, to do things he had never done before. Power, in that He actually did it. But only once the man took the "step."

I see myself in this man so much. I look at Christ's calling for my life--even, for example, the call to go to Hungary--and I think, "This is impossible. There's no way I can do this. I've never done anything like this before. I know other people can do it, but there's no way I can. I wasn't made for it." And yet, as we all know, every human was made to walk--that is the purpose of our legs. And just because our legs are crippled, doesn't mean the ultimate purpose of walking isn't still present. In the same way, every believer is made to live in the will of God, following His purpose. Just because fear, doubt, anxiety, or any number of other sins sometimes can cripple us, doesn't mean that that is how we are supposed to live. "For freedom Christ has set us free. Stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." [Gal. 5:1] We have been offered life, and that abundantly--will we take it?

A few chapters later in the book of Mark, Jesus raises a little girl from the dead with the words, "Talitha cumi," which mean, "Little girl, arise." My prayer request would be that when I hear the Lord say to me, "Talitha cumi," I would rise.

What are you seeking?

Yesterday I was at a coffee shop and I noticed a man's computer next to me. He was looking at Craigslist, and the moment I glanced over, I saw a picture of a woman, with the words "45-year old woman seeking soul mate" next to the picture. The man was older, possibly homeless, and before I had seen his computer, my selfish heart had wanted to avoid talking to him, thinking it would be uncomfortable and awkward. But at that moment, my heart broke for him, and for my selfish response to him.

We all, whether we admit it or not, are seeking something, whether it be a relationship, a job, a family, exciting experiences, fame, etc. I imagined what my life would be like if I were in his shoes: older, on the poorer side, alone. I imagine I would be seeking the same things. But even if that is to be my life--even if I am to grow old, and be poor, and be single--I know and am in love with Someone who can make all those things "loss"--Christ. Who knows? Maybe that is the life God is calling me to, and if it is, it is His best for me, as it is His best for this man that I met at the coffee shop.

I did end up talking to the man, and he seemed to have some understanding of Christianity, if it was slightly confused. But my interaction with him made me realize two things. First, it was another example of something God has been showing me lately; namely, that we are called to love everyone. Obvious, I know. But I've recognized recently how much I judge people. And yet, this man needs and is seeking the exact same thing I need and am seeking--an unconditional Love that will be there to protect, to defend, to honor, to encourage, to uplift, to carry, to die for, to save me. Maybe he's looking in the wrong place, but he knows he needs it. And I know where he can find it--in Jesus Christ. Who am I to judge people who demonstrate the exact same yearning and desire and need for love that I so desperately need? All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and all of us need God's grace to bring us back to Him.

I also was reminded of the futility of seeking anything apart from Christ. I recently finished reading the book Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and this quote from the end of the book really puts into words what I witnessed to be true yesterday:

The principle runs through all life from top to bottom. Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.

It is so easy for me to seek Christ as a means to an end--to get rid of shameful sin, to look good among my peers, to feel "good" about myself. But, as I was reminded yesterday in Charles Spurgeon's All of Grace, Jesus came to justify the ungodly. What a thought! Not only is it possible for Christ to save the ungodly, it is exclusive that He does so. He only comes to save those that recognize their sinfulness and need for a Savior. He is not just anyone to be used and tossed aside after I've gotten what I want from Him. He is the Sovereign King of the Universe who humbled Himself to become a human (as C.S. Lewis said, imagine agreeing to become a slug, and you might understand what it meant that Christ agreed to become human) so that He could save those who recognize they are so absolutely unworthy of being saved (which, in a paradoxical way, is the only thing that does in fact "qualify" them to be saved). I want to set myself toward following Him, not toward following the petty desires that may lead me to Him to the extent that I believe He can help me satisfy those desires. Because He will not make an idolater out of me; He will not let me follow Himself just to get to something else. He is determined to make me perfect, and to break me of whatever I am enslaved to so that He can reveal to me His original, fantastic purpose for my life, for my soul--the person He intended and still intends to present before the Father.

So, my prayer would be twofold. First of all, I need prayer for God to replace my judgmental heart with one that is gracious and loving, and that I would be humbled to serve His creatures as He has served me. Secondly, my prayer is that during my time in Hungary, I would stay my heart on Christ and nothing else. That I would ask for Christ, and be answered by Him. That I would seek for Christ, and I would find Him. And that I would knock at His doors, and be welcomed in.

Men as Trees, Walking

As many of you know, Martyn Lloyd Jones' book Spiritual Depression is one of my favorite, if not my absolute favorite, Christian book. As I have been praying and thinking through my upcoming time in Hungary, I found myself returning to chapter 3 in this book, which examines the story of Jesus' healing of a blind man in Mark 8. However, this is no ordinary miracle (if such a thing can be said to exist)--Jesus' method in healing this particular man is very unique. Here is the story:

And they came to Bethsaida. And some people brought to Him a blind man and begged Him to touch him. And He took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the village, and when He had spit on his eyes and laid His hands on him, He asked him, 'Do you see anything?' And he looked up and said, 'I see men, but they look like trees, walking.' Then Jesus laid His hands on his eyes again; and he opened his eyes, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly (Mark 8:22-25).

Now, before reading Spiritual Depression, I probably would've just skimmed over this story without giving much thought to it. However, according to Mr. Lloyd-Jones, this would be a foolish mistake (as, I'm sure, skimming over any Biblical story is foolish). Lloyd Jones writes, "There are many people like this man, there are many people who seem to be in the first stage through which this man passed in the process of healing...Do you understand his position? It is difficult to describe this man. You cannot say that he is blind any longer. You cannot say that he is still blind because he does see; and yet you hesitate to say that he can see because he sees men as trees, walking. What then--is he or is he not blind?"

Good question. As Lloyd-Jones continues, he further elaborates on this blind and yet not blind position as applied to us today: "Having seen the emptiness of the world, having seen something of the life lived by certain Christians, and having realized that Jesus Christ is the One Who has made the difference, they see somehow that He is a Savior...these people have seen that they cannot save themselves." This seems great, right? Well, kind of. Recognizing that we cannot save ourselves, that we need a Savior, does not necessarily entail that we know that Christ is the only Way to be saved and to have true happiness, and why this is the case.

I read this, and, probably as many of you did, thought to myself, "Okay, well great. But this is not my problem. I know that Christ is not only a Savior, but the Savior, and I know why it is He had to die for me, etc." But then Lloyd Jones went on to give another two ways that Christians can be in this blind and yet not blind position, and I was deeply convicted--"The second thing they do not see clearly is that their heart is not fully engaged. Though they are able to see many things, they do not really find their happiness in Christianity and in the Christian position. Somehow or another they are not moved by it, they do not find real joy in it...they still seem to find their joy, as far as they have any, somewhere else; their heart is not fully engaged."

Whoa. Talk about humbling. As I reeled with conviction, I was slightly hesitant to read on. But, of course, I did, and came across yet another staggering statement: "The third thing that is true about the people under discussion is that their will is divided. They are rebellious, they do not see why a man, because he calls himself a Christian, has got to do certain things and stop doing others. They think that is being narrow. Yet they denounce the old life and embrace the Christian life in general." Gosh.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering how this all relates to Hungary. Well, as I was thinking about Hungary, I realized that I think I have a distorted vision of Christ that has led to my having the less-than-fully-engaged heart and divided will that Martyn Lloyd Jones writes about. I'm not entirely sure how or to what extent I have this vision, but, if I knew that, I probably wouldn't be having this problem :) But, I believe that God intends to heal me of this distorted vision in my semester at Bible college :)

My prayer request, then, is for a full(er) view of God. I want to see Christ in all of His magnificent glory. And while I realize that this is a life-long process, I believe that, at least in some area, God intends to remove the shades from my eyes and give me a glimpse of His glory, unimpeded and uninhibited by my presuppositions or sins or flesh. And, along with that, I ask for a fully engaged heart and a will united with and under God's, that when "infinite joy is offered," I would not respond like "an ignorant child" content making "mud pies," but would leave everything, even my little pile of mud, for Christ (C.S. Lewis).

Hungary for God

Hey everyone!

I'm excited to be here, writing the very first of what (I hope) will be many blogs about my travels in Hungary this upcoming fall. For those of you who don't know, I will be spending this upcoming quarter in Vajta, Hungary to attend the Calvary Chapel Bible College there. As my blog name (playfully!) suggests, my heart and passion to go to Bible college is driven by the desire to know "the depths of the riches of the wisdom and the knowledge of God." (Romans 11:33) "As the deer pants for the water, so my soul pants for You, O God." (Psalm 42:1). This verse has increasingly described my heart for God and, specifically, His Word. I am so blessed to be able to go to Hungary to spend 3.5 months in specific, purposeful, and I imagine intense study of His Word, in order that I may know Him more. I hope this blog will be a place where I can relay both day-to-day stories of my experiences and deeper truths that God will faithfully reveal to me throughout my time there.

I also hope to use this blog as a means of keeping everyone back home updated with prayer requests for the trip. As I leave a fantastic family behind in San Luis Obispo and elsewhere, I am overwhelmed knowing that though physically absent, I am still united with all of you through the precious blood of our Savior Christ. I humbly ask that you keep me in your prayers during this time, and, on my end, I will keep praying for the Lord to move mightily in your lives. Recently, I've been reading the book A Chance to Die, a biography on Amy Carmichael written by Elisabeth Elliot. One of the things that Amy Carmichael most emphasized in her missionary work was prayer, wisely recognizing that "the work she was called to was without question God's work, and could not possibly be done without the help of God's people--'prayer warriors.'" God has been showing me recently how dependent I am on His strength and grace for every action of my life, and how pleasing an aroma prayer is to Him when we request of Him that very strength and grace we so desperately need. I hope you can come alongside me in prayer as prayer warriors for the work that He has for me while away in Hungary.

Having said that, my desire in prayer for all of you is to copy the Apostle Paul's prayer in Ephesians 1:
"For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which He has called you, what are the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His great might."

I am seriously so grateful and overwhelmed by all my friends and family who have been so incredibly loving and supportive already of this trip. I really do thank God for you so so much, and I look forward to keeping up with you all as I take this journey with God :)