Fear

So, I will confess: I had a minor breakdown yesterday. It all started around 5 pm, when I had been packing for five hours and, alas, all of my stuff was not fitting. Now, before you jump to any conclusions, I had a pile the height of Mt. Everest of stuff I had decided I didn't need to take--I really thought I had cut down as much as I could. And, in my exasperation and hopelessness, the thought crossed my mind, "Well, maybe I just can't bring my pillow." And that's when the tears started to flow. I barely had time to walk/run to my sister and force out, "I-think-I'm-having-a-minor-breakdown-I-need-a-hug" before it was just a geyser of tears.

By the time my sister had calmed me down a bit, I was starting to worry. If I was so upset over not taking a pillow, any other complication would definitely be more upsetting (though, in my pillow's defense, it is a great pillow). Thankfully, at this point, the Holy Spirit reminded me of Himself, and I forced myself to take a much needed Scripture break, and how the LORD came through!

I flipped open to Isaiah (my go-to for encouragement and reminders of who our God is) and started reading in Isaiah 43, ending in the early verses of Isaiah 45. In these wonderful chapters, God reminded me of four things that put to rest my fears and doubts and renewed my faith and trust in Him:

1. He is the LORD--"I am the LORD, your Holy One, the Creator of Israel, your King." [Is. 43:15]
2. He is my [only] Rock--"Fear not, nor be afraid; have I not told you from of old and declared it? And you are my witnesses! Is there a God besides me? There is no Rock; I know not any." [Isaiah 44:8]
3. He will not forget me--"Remember these things, O Jacob, and Israel, for you are My servant; I formed you; you are My servant; O Israel, you will not be forgotten by Me. I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like a mist; return to Me, for I have redeemed you." [Isaiah 44:21-22]
4. He will go before me--"I will go before you and level the exalted places, I will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut through the bars of iron, I will give you the treasure of darkness and the hoards in secret places, that you may know that it is I, the LORD, the God of Israel, who call you by your name. For the sake of my servant Jacob, and Israel my chosen, I call you by your name, I name you, though you do not know me." [Isaiah 45:2-4]

These verses particularly stood out because they each calmed a fear that I had been feeling. The first passage in Isaiah 43 was a reminder of God's sovereign authority and hand in my life. The word LORD when it is used in all caps has a definition that is distinguished from the word Lord by its emphasis on God's sovereignty over all things (I believe--correct me if I'm wrong here). He is my LORD and King, and whatever difficulties (big or small) I come across in these next four months, He has guided me to and will, by His grace, guide me through.

The next passage caught my eye because it commanded me to "Fear not, nor be afraid." As I alluded to in my last post on the paralytic, the LORD does not give us commands that He Himself is not willing or able to carry out in us. Every command we are given by God is really an offer, an invitation to accept His grace and receive that which He demands of us and gives us at the same time. I also love how God in Scripture always backs up the commandments or statements He makes. Isn't it crazy how even His Scriptures are humble? I mean, He's the Sovereign LORD of the universe--that should be enough to have us trust His Word implicitly. But, He oftentimes humbles Himself to show us why He commands us to do things, because He loves us and knows how little faith we have. So, instead of just saying "Fear not, nor be afraid" and leaving it at that, He goes on to show how it is we are capable of doing that--because there are no other gods besides our God, and there are no other rocks besides our Rock. No matter how much is changing around us, no matter what storm is beating down on us, our God is a Rock upon which we can stand, firmly anchored to His love and His peace when all else fails.

The third passage was very encouraging to me because it spoke to perhaps the greatest fear I have in leaving for Hungary: being forgotten. I know it seems ridiculous, but I find myself wondering, Will people forget me? Will they move on with their lives and leave me behind? Will my friends, family, classmates, etc. even remember that I'm gone? And yet my fears of being forgotten by people on this earth are much less founded in reality than any fears I might have of being forgotten by God. The Holy God of the universe would have much more reason to "forget" me than any of my friends or family would, because I am a sinner--and yet He promises me, "You will not be forgotten by Me." How incredible! And again, He gives me the reason why: "I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like a mist." I love the parallel structure here: God calls me to remember that God will always remember me because He has "forgotten" my sin through His redemption of me by His Son's death on the Cross!

The fourth and final passage speaks to another huge fear of mine: failure in the new things I will be called to face while in Hungary, or, in other words, the inability to surmount the new obstacles or situations that will be in my path. But again, I find that the LORD has a word for me in this: "I will go before you and level the exalted places, I will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut down through the bars of iron." How amazing! My Good Shepherd has gone before me to Hungary already, and has already searched the path that I will walk and cleared it of any hazards or dangers as long as I keep my eyes steadfastly set on Him. All of those things that I fear not being able to do? He's leveled, broken, and cut those down. And why? "That you may know that it is I, the LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name." I like to imagine that the name referred to here is the same name referenced in Revelation 2:17--"He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who conquers I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, with a new name written on the stone that no one knows except the one who receives it." This isn't just any name that we will be given--this is the name that defines us as we were created to be, and as we will be if we let Christ make us so (a la C.S. Lewis, "We have only the slightest notion of the tremendous thing God means to make of us."). This is the name given us by the One who created us, loves us, formed us in our mothers' wombs, knows our hearts and thoughts, and has planned every step for us to take from this moment until we reach Him in eternity.

As you might have guessed, I was very encouraged and humbled to remember the care my Heavenly Father has for me. I hope if you find yourself discouraged or lonely or upset that you might look upon these verses and find the same hope and encouragement in them that I did. Oh, and just for your information, I decided to check a second bag, so the pillow is coming with me! :)