Do You Want To Be Healed?

I joked in my last blog entry that I’d been noticing a lot of similarities between myself and Biblical cripples lately—maybe that meant God was trying to tell me something? But, over the last week or so, I’ve realized my kidding was right on the square.

As many of you know (and as some of you are about to find out!), I’ve struggled with captivity to self-loathing my whole life. I am harshly critical of myself—my sin, my looks, my personality—pretty much everything about myself. This has affected me in every area of my life, diminishing my joy, extinguishing my love, and, for all intents and purposes, throttling the very life that Jesus died to bestow upon me.

Last Friday, I found myself becoming discouraged and depressed and falling prey again to the same lies that have plagued me my whole life—you’re not enough, you’re not enough, you’re not enough. Whatever that enough might have been, whether beautiful, smart, funny, loving, godly, passionate, it was always the same lie. “Sure, Christ may have died for you, but you’re still not enough. There’s no way He can take your life and make anything of it. You’re ugly, sinful, and an all around failure. Just give it up now. There’s no point in trying.”

As I felt myself on the verge of tears, in the midst of the lies screaming at me, I heard the still small voice of the Savior: Go outside and pour yourself out before Me. Now, let me tell you, the weather in Hungary has been pretty cold—this particular day, it had been storming on and off all day, and the weather was not especially inviting me to go outside and cry out to God.

But, against my natural self, I bundled up and walked around outside until I found a tree at whose base I knelt in the ground. In that moment, in the cold and dark and wet, I cried to my LORD for help, to be set free from this prison that had been my reality. And then, in the midst of my cries and confusion, I heard Him speak again: Do you want to be healed?

Startled, I found myself hesitating momentarily, but then stuttering, “…Yes.” Fifteen minutes passed, during which I walked around the castle, still praying, reading my Bible, meditating. And then, again, I heard the LORD ask, Do you want to be healed? This time, my answer came with more certainty: “Yes.” At this point, I was more calm and at peace, and was searching through the Scriptures when I came to two Psalms: Psalm 142 and Psalm 116. Psalm 142:7 reads, “Bring me out of prison, that I may give thanks to your name! The righteous will surround me, for you will deal bountifully with me.” As I prayed for the LORD to bring me out of prison, I happened to flip open to Psalm 116—“I love the LORD, because He has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because He inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call on Him as long as I live…Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.”

The stunning simplicity and beauty of these verses brought tears to my eyes then and now as I read it again. The LORD had heard my voice and was tenderly coaxing my soul into His glorious rest—Return, Rachel, to your rest; for I have dealt bountifully with you.

Getting up and walking back to the castle, the LORD asked me one final time: Do you want to be healed? Yes, LORD, I do. I want to be healed from my crippled life. The problem in my life is not a matter of seeing or hearing—I have seen and heard the gospel, seen and heard that Christ died for me and that because of that, I am saved. But, I am crippled. What I should be able to do, I cannot. The truth of the gospel, though seen and heard and understood, has not brought empowerment to my life because of the disbelief of my heart and the lies I have believed, particularly these ones.

Like the cripple in Mark 2, the cripple in Acts 3, and the cripple in John 5, I have not been able to walk in peace alongside my Savior in the freedom He set me free for.

But I am here to proclaim:

The LORD has set another captive free. The LORD has made this cripple walk.

Alms

"Now Peter and John were going up to the temple at the hour of prayer, the ninth hour. And a man lame from birth was being carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple that is called the Beautiful Gate to ask alms of those entering the temple. Seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple he asked to receive alms. And Peter directed his gaze at him, as did John, and said, 'Look at us.' And he fixed his attention on them expecting to receive something from them. But Peter said, 'I have no silver and gold but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!...And leaping up he stood and began to walk, and entered the temple with them, walking and leaping and praising God'" [Acts 3:1-6, 8]

For my MW Acts class, I just finished reading this story/chapter in the book of Acts. As I read through again, combing it for details to answer some homework questions, I paused as I re-read these first six verses. A couple of things jumped out to me that I hadn't noticed the first time, parallels which I saw between myself and the cripple (maybe God is trying to tell me something? I've been noticing a lot of parallels between myself and the cripples of the Bible lately... haha). The phrase "from birth" had been small enough for me to skim right over in the past. This time, however, I was reminded of Ephesians 2:1-3, which reads, "And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience--among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind." We are by nature children of wrath--just like this man was lame from birth.

Once noticing this, I also noticed what this man who was lame from birth was doing--asking for alms. And how often did he do this? Daily. Clearly, this is not a long term solution. And yet, for this man and for us, without Christ's power in our lives, we have to live off the spare change of the world. We have to live off whatever we can get for ourselves--whatever goodness we can muster, whatever love we can create, whatever joy we can grasp at. And yet, none of it makes any difference. In the same way that alms could do nothing to heal this man's legs, our "moral" deeds will do nothing to purify our sinful souls. The problem isn't addressed by the correct solution.

And then along come Peter and John, who have and are willing to share the truth and the power that this man needs, and what is his (initial) response? "He fixed his attention on them, expecting to receive something from them." Wow.

Though this man did not know that the men who were speaking with him could offer both a permanent and full solution to his problem (a la Hebrews 10:14)--that is, Jesus Christ--I wonder sometimes if I come to Christ and ask for alms. In fact, I know I do. I come to Him and I ask for Him to take away some one or other inconvenient sin, or something that makes me look bad to other people, without really wanting the full healing--not wanting to see my heart actually changed, or not wanting to actually have to go through the process of healing. I want a quick fix to my problem, but the problem with quick fixes is they are fleeting and don't really address my real need--to be purified from dead works to serve the living God (Hebrews 9:14). As long as I continue looking to Christ and asking for alms--for the superficial, temporary solution to my brokenness--I will never be healed, because I can not save myself. Thankfully, however, our LORD extends grace even when we come to Him asking for something less than His full sanctifying power working in us to form Him in us. Peter and John take after their Master when they say, "I have no silver or gold but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!"

I hope that next time I see brokenness in my life, I can come in faith to Christ and ask for His healing. But, at the least, I hope the next time I ask for alms and receive healing instead that I will respond with the same joy this man did, with "walking and leaping and praising God". "And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" (Philippians 1:6). Praise God that whether or not we necessarily ask for it, He will bring our sanctification and perfection to completion in His power and grace through the suffering, death, and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. :)

Awake My Soul

Awake, my soul--for you were meant to meet your Maker.
--Mumford and Sons

This morning, I went on my first run around the castle grounds and a little ways into the town of Vajta. I don't think there are words to express how breathtakingly, incredibly, awesomely beautiful it was. Last night, it was stormy and thundering and lightninging, but when my roommate Tiffany and our friend Karen and I went out this morning, the sun was just breaking through the clouds and the castle grounds were still and quiet. As we ran, the soft light reflected off the tiny dew drops on the grass and the trees, and the stones shifted beneath our feet. I was awe-struck--tears literally began to fall down my cheeks as I smiled and expressed for what must have been the 100th time since arriving here, "I can't BELIEVE we live in a CASTLE!!! What the HECK!"

The words that kept repeating in my head as I ran were, "Awake, my soul--for you were meant to meet your Maker." I think I just saw my Maker a little more clearly :)

Fear

So, I will confess: I had a minor breakdown yesterday. It all started around 5 pm, when I had been packing for five hours and, alas, all of my stuff was not fitting. Now, before you jump to any conclusions, I had a pile the height of Mt. Everest of stuff I had decided I didn't need to take--I really thought I had cut down as much as I could. And, in my exasperation and hopelessness, the thought crossed my mind, "Well, maybe I just can't bring my pillow." And that's when the tears started to flow. I barely had time to walk/run to my sister and force out, "I-think-I'm-having-a-minor-breakdown-I-need-a-hug" before it was just a geyser of tears.

By the time my sister had calmed me down a bit, I was starting to worry. If I was so upset over not taking a pillow, any other complication would definitely be more upsetting (though, in my pillow's defense, it is a great pillow). Thankfully, at this point, the Holy Spirit reminded me of Himself, and I forced myself to take a much needed Scripture break, and how the LORD came through!

I flipped open to Isaiah (my go-to for encouragement and reminders of who our God is) and started reading in Isaiah 43, ending in the early verses of Isaiah 45. In these wonderful chapters, God reminded me of four things that put to rest my fears and doubts and renewed my faith and trust in Him:

1. He is the LORD--"I am the LORD, your Holy One, the Creator of Israel, your King." [Is. 43:15]
2. He is my [only] Rock--"Fear not, nor be afraid; have I not told you from of old and declared it? And you are my witnesses! Is there a God besides me? There is no Rock; I know not any." [Isaiah 44:8]
3. He will not forget me--"Remember these things, O Jacob, and Israel, for you are My servant; I formed you; you are My servant; O Israel, you will not be forgotten by Me. I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like a mist; return to Me, for I have redeemed you." [Isaiah 44:21-22]
4. He will go before me--"I will go before you and level the exalted places, I will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut through the bars of iron, I will give you the treasure of darkness and the hoards in secret places, that you may know that it is I, the LORD, the God of Israel, who call you by your name. For the sake of my servant Jacob, and Israel my chosen, I call you by your name, I name you, though you do not know me." [Isaiah 45:2-4]

These verses particularly stood out because they each calmed a fear that I had been feeling. The first passage in Isaiah 43 was a reminder of God's sovereign authority and hand in my life. The word LORD when it is used in all caps has a definition that is distinguished from the word Lord by its emphasis on God's sovereignty over all things (I believe--correct me if I'm wrong here). He is my LORD and King, and whatever difficulties (big or small) I come across in these next four months, He has guided me to and will, by His grace, guide me through.

The next passage caught my eye because it commanded me to "Fear not, nor be afraid." As I alluded to in my last post on the paralytic, the LORD does not give us commands that He Himself is not willing or able to carry out in us. Every command we are given by God is really an offer, an invitation to accept His grace and receive that which He demands of us and gives us at the same time. I also love how God in Scripture always backs up the commandments or statements He makes. Isn't it crazy how even His Scriptures are humble? I mean, He's the Sovereign LORD of the universe--that should be enough to have us trust His Word implicitly. But, He oftentimes humbles Himself to show us why He commands us to do things, because He loves us and knows how little faith we have. So, instead of just saying "Fear not, nor be afraid" and leaving it at that, He goes on to show how it is we are capable of doing that--because there are no other gods besides our God, and there are no other rocks besides our Rock. No matter how much is changing around us, no matter what storm is beating down on us, our God is a Rock upon which we can stand, firmly anchored to His love and His peace when all else fails.

The third passage was very encouraging to me because it spoke to perhaps the greatest fear I have in leaving for Hungary: being forgotten. I know it seems ridiculous, but I find myself wondering, Will people forget me? Will they move on with their lives and leave me behind? Will my friends, family, classmates, etc. even remember that I'm gone? And yet my fears of being forgotten by people on this earth are much less founded in reality than any fears I might have of being forgotten by God. The Holy God of the universe would have much more reason to "forget" me than any of my friends or family would, because I am a sinner--and yet He promises me, "You will not be forgotten by Me." How incredible! And again, He gives me the reason why: "I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like a mist." I love the parallel structure here: God calls me to remember that God will always remember me because He has "forgotten" my sin through His redemption of me by His Son's death on the Cross!

The fourth and final passage speaks to another huge fear of mine: failure in the new things I will be called to face while in Hungary, or, in other words, the inability to surmount the new obstacles or situations that will be in my path. But again, I find that the LORD has a word for me in this: "I will go before you and level the exalted places, I will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut down through the bars of iron." How amazing! My Good Shepherd has gone before me to Hungary already, and has already searched the path that I will walk and cleared it of any hazards or dangers as long as I keep my eyes steadfastly set on Him. All of those things that I fear not being able to do? He's leveled, broken, and cut those down. And why? "That you may know that it is I, the LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name." I like to imagine that the name referred to here is the same name referenced in Revelation 2:17--"He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who conquers I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, with a new name written on the stone that no one knows except the one who receives it." This isn't just any name that we will be given--this is the name that defines us as we were created to be, and as we will be if we let Christ make us so (a la C.S. Lewis, "We have only the slightest notion of the tremendous thing God means to make of us."). This is the name given us by the One who created us, loves us, formed us in our mothers' wombs, knows our hearts and thoughts, and has planned every step for us to take from this moment until we reach Him in eternity.

As you might have guessed, I was very encouraged and humbled to remember the care my Heavenly Father has for me. I hope if you find yourself discouraged or lonely or upset that you might look upon these verses and find the same hope and encouragement in them that I did. Oh, and just for your information, I decided to check a second bag, so the pillow is coming with me! :)