Feeding the Multitudes

On the Bible College website (http://ccbce.com/en/), the Internship tab states that the internship is "ministry 101." Boy, is that true.

I was walking around the castle grounds today, praying, and as I prayed, I felt overwhelmed with the needs and the tasks before me. I cried, "God, there are a multitude of needs to be met, and I am just one person!" In the moment this prayer crossed my mind, the Holy Spirit called to my mind the story of Mark 8--Jesus feeding the multitude.

When I got back to my desk in the intern office, I turned to the story in Mark 8, and the LORD comforted me with a few truths about ministry that are revealed in this story.

"In those days, the multitude being very great and having nothing to eat, Jesus called His disciples to Him and said to them, "I have compassion on the multitude, because they have now continued with Me three days and have nothing to eat. And if I send them away hungry to their own houses, they will faint on the way; for some of them have come from afar." Then His disciples answered Him, "How can one satisfy these people with bread here in the wilderness?" He asked them, "How many loaves do you have?" And they said, "Seven." So He commanded the multitude to sit down on the ground. And He took the seven loaves and gave thanks, broke them and gave them to His disciples to set before them; and they set them before the multitude. They also had a few small fish; and having blessed them, He said to set them also before them" [Mark 8:1-7]

Going in chronological order, the first thing I notice is the reality that there is a need. The multitude "was very great and [had] nothing to eat." And yet, it is a comfort to me that the first one to notice the needs is Jesus--He called His disciples to Him and pointed out the need to them. So often I find myself feeling alone in the burden of ministry needs. I feel like no one else notices these issues, let alone cares. Now, regardless of whether that is true, it is so encouraging to see that Jesus knows. He knows the needs faced by the people in every church in all the world, because He knows His sheep. He knows the shepherding that they require. So He calls those needs to our attention.

Notice, additionally, that this is all He does. When Jesus calls the disciples to Himself, He doesn't tell them that they need to do something about this need--He simply makes them aware of it. But the implication in the text is that having been made aware of the need, there is something that compels the ministers of Christ to act. The question remains, though, of HOW to address this huge huge need--and this is what the disciples acknowledge. They ask, "How can one satisfy these people with bread here in the wilderness?"

At this point, the disciples through Jesus' revelation know that there is a need (how funny that we can be blind to the needs of God's people so often! Praise God for the grace of opening our eyes to needs other than our own), and now they find themselves wondering how that need will be satisfied. Interestingly, the word used for "satisfy" here has the double meaning of "to feed with herbs, grass, hay, to fill, satisfy with food, fatten; of animals" or "to fill or satisfy men." The reminder again is that these are Christ's sheep--as Mark writes earlier in his gospel, "And Jesus, when He came out, saw a great multitude and was moved with compassion for them, for they were like sheep not having a shepherd" [6:34]. The disciples are concerned because the charge they have been given is great--too great, in fact, for them to achieve it. But the worth of the Person asking them to minister is also great, and they are compelled to do something.

So, in response to their dilemma, Christ asks them, "How many loaves do you have?" In essence, He says to them, "Take stock. What have you been given? What is yours to give? What gifts, talents, money, food, do you have?" And they reply honestly--they have seven loaves. Given the circumstances, what they have is clearly woefully inadequate. But thankfully Christ can take what is woefully inadequate and make it abundantly adequate in Himself.

"So He commanded the multitude to sit down on the ground. And He took the seven loaves and gave thanks, broke them and gave them to His disciples to set before them; and they set them before the multitude." Jesus, opening the disciples' eyes both to the needs around them and their utter inability to fulfill those needs, now acts. He commands the multitude to sit down, and then blesses the gifts, breaks them, and gives them back to the disciples to set before the multitude--and they do so. I can't help but think of 1 Samuel 12:16, "Now therefore, stand and see this great thing which the LORD will do before your eyes." I imagine that's where the disciples were at--Just wait, Jesus said, and let me show you how I will take that which I've given you, bless it, break it, and then give it back to you for the distribution to the multitude.

I'm not sure if this is a rule of Scriptures, but it does appear to at least happen often, that when God wants to use a man, He breaks him first. He breaks the believer of any self-sufficiency, any self-dependency, any self-confidence, even breaking the very gifts and talents He has given him. But then, when Christ gives a man and his gifts back to himself, so to speak, that man will find that he is now the man that he needs to be to do the work that the LORD has called him to do. But know that this breaking process is not a one time occurrence. Perhaps this is why the gospels record two examples of Christ feeding the multitude--and why in both instances, the same language of blessing, breaking, and handing the loaves and fish back to the disciples is used. Because it is not just a one time occurrence. It is every time, every moment in which we minister that we must surrender ourselves and our talents into our Lord's hands to be broken and made into His image.

Seeing these truths was such an encouragement to me and a much needed reminder that when I labor, I "strive according to His working which works in me mightily." I hope I always seek comfort in these truths when ministry seems overwhelming--because I know that it is His work, and therefore, He will make sure it is completed.

Learning to Follow His Lead

I'm weird about my birthday. Every year, I wait with anxious anticipation for weeks in advance for that day, that glorious day (March 3, in my case) to arrive. And every year, I am inevitably disappointed as the expectations I have fall short of reality.

So, this year, I wanted to do something different. I thought, "Well, if I don't have any expectations, then it can only go up from there!" So, as March 3 drew nearer, I tried to distract myself with anything and everything, trying to ignore that my birthday was coming up fast.

When I awoke this morning, I was feeling pretty good. I got up, took a shower, and got ready for the day. But as soon as I talked to the first person to come in the bathroom after me, I found I was still disappointed and sad. I really wanted to be acknowledged and affirmed and excited for my birthday, and wanted people to join with me in that.

As I struggled against feeling sad, I came into the intern office to do my devotions. Each day, I read three different devotionals--Charles Spurgeon's Morning and Evening; Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest; and L.B. Cowman's Streams in the Desert. God's sovereign hand was certainly moving in my heart as I read each of these devotionals in turn.

God's Spirit reminded me that whatever He had planned for my day, whether joy or sorrow, would be good, because it was His chosen plan for me, and He would be with me in it. He also reminded me that, regardless of the day of year, He is always with me and He is always to be the source of all my expectations [Psalm 62:5]. How important it is to always make the LORD and the LORD alone the source of my expectations! As I started to think about the things He was showing me, I realized these were goals He had for me for this next year. That today is the first day of many that I am to commit my life and all my expectations, hopes, dreams, fears, sorrows, trials to Him--to God I shall commit my cause, who does wonderful, marvelous things without number [Job 5:8-9]! In the same vein, He showed me how I need to fight and fight hard to keep my heart satisfied in Him, and not distracted by the things of this world or my own flesh or the devil. I read this morning in 2 Samuel about Shammah the son of Agee, one of David's mighty men. Of all the victories I'm sure that Shammah accomplished, this is the one the Holy Spirit chose to have written in His Word forever: "He stationed himself in the middle of the field, defended it, and killed the Philistines. So the LORD brought about a great victory" [2 Samuel 23:12]. Shammah, rather than shying away from difficult situations or trials, set himself squarely in the middle of the field to defend it and fight against the enemy. How often do I fall short of this standard! I generally fail to even guard myself and the truth of God properly, but to fight and destroy the enemy? That is impossible. And yet in my moment of doubt and weakness, I hear His truth--With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

He reminded me that I am to look to Him--to His riches and His glorious gifts--for my satisfaction and salvation; that He has better plans for my life, for my days, for my hours, for my minutes, than I could ever have. And He reminded me of my calling here--to feed His sheep. Whether in Hungary or elsewhere, my life's calling is to be poured out for His sheep--to see that they are fed and rested and taken care of. And as I pour myself out for His sheep, I can be certain that my Heavenly Father is taking care of this Little Lamb's needs.

And this morning, He gave me exactly what I needed--time in the Word and in prayer with friends, and a reminder that He is the one whose way is perfect, and who makes my way perfect [2 Samuel 22:31, 33]. Though it has so far been a different birthday than any other I've had, different is not always a bad thing, as I often assume it is. God Himself said, "Behold, I am doing a NEW thing; now it springs forth--do you not perceive it?" [Isaiah 43:18] No matter what curves are in the road, though, I can trust Him, and can always follow His leading, even if it's down a path that seems to be sad or lonely. For because my Heavenly Father sees and knows best, I am freed to embrace each new day as it comes, knowing that it is exactly what my Father has gifted to me for that day.

C.S. Lewis' "The Weight of Glory"

"In speaking of this desire for our own far-off country, which we find in ourselves even now, I feel a certain shyness. I am almost committing an indecency. I am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you--the secret that hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like Nostalgia and Romanticism and Adolescence; the secret also which pierces with such sweetness that when, in very intimate conversation, the mention of it becomes imminent, we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves; the secret we cannot hide and we cannot tell, though we desire to do both. We cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience. We cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it, and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name. Our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter. Wordsworth's expedient was to identify it with certain moments in his own past. But all this is a cheat. If Wordsworth had gone back to those moments in the past, he would not have found the thing itself, but only the reminder of it; what he remembered would turn out to be itself a remembering. The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things--the beauty, the memory of our own past--are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited..."



As I was trying to fall asleep tonight, I found myself thinking about this passage in C.S. Lewis' "The Weight of Glory." My memory was sparked upon the recognition that part of the reason I love drinking coffee is because I watch a lot of TV shows in which the characters love drinking coffee. Beside the facts that coffee has caffeine, that I more or less grew up on coffee, and that I really do love the taste, a large part of the appeal for me is that it makes me feel like I'm a part of something special. When, on TV shows like Friends, Gilmore Girls, or Samantha Who, the characters have a coffee shop that they frequent or a coffee addiction that they feed, I find within myself a desire to be in that coffee shop with them, talking about my life over a cup of joe. Laying in my bed and mulling over this revelation, I remembered the above C.S. Lewis excerpt.



Though it may sound silly, I think my love of drinking coffee and my recognition that a large part of that obsession stems from seeing it on TV parallels what Lewis talks about in regards to humanity's desire and deep, deep longing for Paradise, for Heaven, and ultimately for God. In fact, my very desire for coffee and my association of drinking coffee with feeling special or feeling complete in some way might in and of itself be a hint of the unity, the satisfaction, and the love that we all seek and which ultimately can only be found in God through the blood of Christ.



But even if it is only ultimately found in God, He has been gracious enough to give us hints of satisfaction and love and completion on earth. In everything from the beauty of the natural world to the institution of marriage; from a really delicious burrito to a really fantastic work of literature, God is at work. The pleasure that we derive from these experiences is a bit of the joy and satisfaction of God. Not to say "God is in the burrito"--but the joy or satisfaction or contentment that you get as a result of eating that burrito is a reflection (and a poor one, at that) of the joy or satisfaction or contentment that comes from a relationship with God.



This is why the Psalmist writes, "O taste and see that the LORD is good!" Or why Paul writes "In everything, whether you eat or drink, do all to the glory of God." Because everything in our lives--everything thing we taste, everything we see, even everything we eat and drink--is all meant to point us back to the loving God who is Himself exquisite, satisfying, fulfilling. Christ Himself speaks of salvation and eternal life as "a fountain of water welling up into eternal life"; those who drink of this water "shall never thirst."



Salvation is an experience, a day to day, in and out, experience with the living God of the universe. It is not a moment in a church with your eyes closed lifting up your hand at the altar call, though that may be its beginning. It is life--it is physical, tangible, even tantalizing. The more we have of it, the more we have of the goodness, the sweetness, the lovingkindnesses of the LORD, the more we want. This world, as C.S. Lewis shows, is all one big, delicious treat, meant to bring about the longing for God's goodness that we were all created to need. We need His goodness, we need His mercy to follow us all the days of our lives. And the more we see it and savor it, the more we'll want it--the more we'll want Him.



So go ahead--enjoy your cup of coffee. But remember that the best part of waking up is not Folger's in your cup--it's Jesus Christ in your heart :)

Mommy and Me

My mom and I have always been very similar. We look alike, we think alike, we act alike. We are the slightly-less-rational and very passionately emotional ones in the family. Since I can remember, I’ve always been told I look like my mom and remind people of my mom. As I’ve grown up, I’ve seen things for myself that remind me of my mom. Some of these traits are positive, some of them are negative.
As many of you know, I recently discovered something else I have in common with my mom—hip dysplasia. This definitely falls in the “negative” trait category. However, over the last two weeks, I’ve come to value more than ever my relationship with my mother.
For better or for worse, my mother is always there for me. I never realized how selfish I was growing up. How much I just wanted her to help me or to be there for me or to encourage me. Of course, she was happy to do so. But I finally realized how much I value that over these last few weeks.
Over the last two weeks, I’ve gotten to know my mother. I heard her testimony of becoming a believer for the first time. I heard of her experiences with her hip surgeries. All of these things I never even thought to ask her before.
Tonight as she was helping me get ready for bed, as she has every night since my surgery, I asked her if she ever regretted having surgery—if she ever thought she should have just gotten a wheelchair and been done with it. She told me no. She told me she loved to walk, even though it was hard. She told me how after her first surgeries, she had been told she couldn’t play any sports. She played soccer and racquetball anyways. Then my dad came along, and after she had blown out her hips a few times, he was finally able to convince her to stop. To stop playing the sports that she loved. Then, she had my sister Shannon. She had to have her hip replaced again after that. Then she had myself and my brother, and went to nursing school, and worked in a hospital for two years. She had to get her hips replaced again after that. Two years ago, her and I were at the mall and she fell. She was in so much pain, I remember. But she told me tonight that she was partially so upset because she had fallen on her left hip, her hip with the one of a kind prosthetic, and she knew she couldn’t have that one replaced, and that if it was blown, she would lose whatever mobility she had.
When she finished her story, she told me not to worry—that her fate wouldn’t be my fate. But I said in a low voice, I don’t care about myself anymore. Slightly alarmed, she asked me, What do you mean? And I told her, I just asked because I wanted to know about you. I wanted to learn more about your past, not predict my future.
God has used this surgery to remind me what a wonderful woman my mother is. I’ve gone through a fraction—1/13, to be exact—of what she’s gone through. And what she went through, she went through for others. She got new hips so that she could bear children. She got new hips so that she could work as a nurse to help other people, people she didn’t even know. She did it to support her family, send her kids to college, help put food on the table. She is a hero, even though she doesn’t necessarily believe it.
I’ve had a lot of time to think as I’ve been laying here the last two weeks. A lot of time. And one of the things I’ve been thinking about is my future. Like any nearly graduated college student, I’ve been getting the “What are you doing after graudation?” question a lot. As I think about my future, I’ve realized how difficult it will be to leave my family. And I do believe God is calling me, at least for a time, to the mission field. Jesus said, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.” I’ve realized these last two weeks that it’s hard for me to trust God with my mother. I care so much about her, and I know her so well. It’s hard for me to trust that anyone else can look after her as I can. But God has been showing me just how much He has been looking after her all along. And He has given me an example of the kind of woman He wants me to be—but I can only be that woman if I trust the LORD in all areas of my life as my mother has trusted Him in all areas of hers. She has selflessly given of herself for years, trusting God to provide for her and her body, her physical strength. And if she can trust God to provide for her, then I can, too. Because the best way to honor my mother’s life is to live mine the way she has lived hers—poured out in love in service for others.

Bow Your Knees

Today… is a new day. As I sit here in a coffee shop, my heart burns to know my Father more, to see something new in Him. Or, rather, to be able to express what it is He has been doing in my soul. So many things have brought encouragement to my heart over the last few days, not the least of which have been His Word and fellowship with believers. It always seems like a wasted opportunity when God works in my heart and I feel like I am unable to express what exactly it is He has been doing. The past few days have been calm in the midst of a storm. They have been reassuring, though so many situations and circumstances have been overwhelming. I wonder why it is that I can’t just say, I’m doing great! when people ask me how I’m doing. My mind is still stuck in the worldly way of thinking—thinking that the circumstances of the flesh hold more weight than those of the spirit. I remember talking about this with my roommate Laura last semester at Bible college—about this—dare I say need—humans feel to give the greater priority to the flesh. And I guess that makes sense—the Bible says just as much, after all. Romans alone addresses the topic of flesh versus spirit in great depth. And yet, my soul yearns. My soul yearns to be heard first, to be addressed first and treated as the more important element it is. Not to say that the flesh isn’t important; but rather, that we must first listen to the desires of our (redeemed) souls before we can listen to those of the body. That, in fact, the soul must be the means by which we address the flesh, and not the other way around. Maybe that is why this verse in Ephesians 3 has been rocking my world lately. Paul writes, “For this reason I bow my knees to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Syntactically (grammatically?) speaking, the “for this reason” could refer to either what Paul has just written or what he is about to write. But either way, I think the Christian today can take that text and apply it to his or her life. What is your reason? In light of what do you need to bow your knees to God? Is it a relationship in which you’re struggling to love? Is it a class that you’re trying to pass, or a test that you feel hopeless studying for? Is it bitterness and hurt from your past that still haunts you today? Is it anxiety and/or uncertainty about the future? For this reason—because of the very thing that is weighing you down—you are called to bow your knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. If our flesh were to react first, we would do anything but stop and bow our knees—we would be busy trying to love, trying to help, trying to fix the problems that we are in. But we live not according to the flesh, but according to the spirit. And the Holy Spirit says to us, “I see what you are going through. I see what you are struggling in. But I care for you. You can come to Me and I will give you rest from Your burdens. I see that you think your life is spiraling out of control. But, in reality, I know the plans I have for you, and these circumstances are not outside of them, for I am working all things together for Your good.” As Oswald Chambers wrote, “Paul says that [the love of God] is the reason we are more than conquerors in all these things [i.e. trials], super-victors, with a joy we would not have but for the very things which look as if they are going to overwhelm us.” What a way to look at it! The flesh sees the waves of trial bearing down on it, and despairs. But the soul—the soul sees the waves as a springboard by which to get nearer to the Father. I can’t explain how it works, other than to use the image employed by Oswald Chambers. It is the difference between an individual in the waves of an ocean with and without a board. Those without the board, without a firm surface to stand upon, will sink underneath the load of the wave. But those with the board, with a firm surface to stand upon, will rise above the wave, and rather than it being a burden, that wave will become a catalyst for exhilaration. In the same way, the Word of God and its promises through the blood of Christ to the believer becomes a board upon which we can stand during the waves of trial. Somehow, the Word transforms our experiences from natural into supernatural ones, and changes the results from disastrous to uplifting, from destructive to life-building. It still amazes me, that the very same situation can be so different depending on what you’re standing on. But Jesus changes everything without changing anything, as Jeff Stewart said. I think I’m finally understanding how it is we can rejoice in our sufferings. It seems so contrary to nature, and I suppose that is because it is contrary to nature—to human, fleshly nature at least. But what is most contrary to the flesh is exactly what we should seek in the Spirit. My mind still doesn’t want to wrap around the concept, but that is why it is according to faith ☺ This isn’t something that can be understood by the logic of the human mind—it must be seen and accepted and believed according to spiritual eyes. I pray that if you are in the midst of trial or suffering, that God would open the eyes of your spiritual understanding to see that His grip on you is tighter and stronger than the hold of any other circumstance, and that He will never let you fall. He does not grow weary or faint, and it in the very circumstances that weary and tire you that He meets you and lifts you up on wings as eagles. Praise God for His all-sufficient, all-encompassing grace!

Weakness

Today, I had one of those conversations with a friend where suddenly your life becomes clear and you understand some of the things that had been completely confusing you for weeks. Since getting home from Hungary, I’ve found that I feel so crippled and fearful all of the time. In everything I do, an overwhelming sense of fear grips my heart to the point where it is almost impossible to do anything. Even things as simple as going to class or going to church seem too overwhelming. I had attributed this mostly to readjusting to life in America—something I still think is a crucial factor—but I had a revelation on an even deeper spiritual level today.
The verse that I’ve been holding onto during this last month and a half has been 2 Corinthians 12:9—“And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness.’” This verse was relevant because I learned so much about the grace of God while I was in Hungary, and I knew that His grace was sufficient. However, what struck me today about this verse was that we experience His grace in two ways—in His power and in our weakness. I have never experienced the grace of God as displayed in His power so radically as I did when I was in Hungary. Now, I feel I am experiencing the grace of God radically in my weakness. Right now, I’m not feeling any of God’s power—I’m feeling all of my weakness. I feel my weakness in my debilitating fear, fear that keeps me from going to group functions or even from wanting to talk to people. I feel my weakness in the broken-heartedness of missing Hungary and everyone there. I feel my weakness in the exhaustion I feel. I feel my weakness in my body, physically—in hips that are degenerating before their time. I feel my weakness in my relationship with the LORD in that I recognize I have nothing to offer Him. I am empty, and I desperately need to be filled just to wake up every morning. I feel my weakness in my silence—in not having words to speak, in not knowing what to say. I feel my weakness in school, in the Love Out Loud campaign, in my Bible study, in my church college group, in my relationships. I see and feel weakness everywhere.
I think this must be a small taste of what Job experienced. The sudden plunge from riches to poverty. In my case, however, it is mostly the plunge from spiritual riches to spiritual poverty. And yet, spiritual poverty is a deeper, and in some ways realer, richness than just experiencing His power. I have seen God move in deeper, more intimate ways than I ever saw Him move before, because I deeply feel my need for Him to move. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so weak before. Each day, however, God sustains me. He is with me in the storm. He is stripping away things from me that I didn’t even know I had. The fight is to let Him do that. Every time fear rises in my heart before going to a group event, I just have to say to myself that God will get me through. I am learning how to rely on Him for literally everything, because there is nothing that I feel capable of doing anymore.
And though it has possibly been one of the hardest months and a half of my life, I wouldn’t have it any other way, because I want the full experience of God’s grace in my life. And I love learning to rely on Him for everything, for seeing myself as I truly am and learning day in and day out that I can utterly rely on God. There is an intimacy that we are establishing where my heart rushes to Him for everything because that is all I can do. I am experiencing His presence and His love in a deeper way than ever before, because He is all I have. And that is more than enough.

Yet Believing, You Rejoice

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen, you love. Though you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls.”

I’m not going to lie. The last few weeks have been really difficult for me. My heart was torn in two almost five weeks ago now as I left Hungary to head back to America. I’ve been trying to figure it all out—trying to grasp what work the LORD did in me while I was gone and what that means for my life now. I’ve probably started to write two or three blog posts, but to no avail. The last week and a half has been particularly hard. Every day, this weight of grief pressed down on my chest, making it hard to breathe sometimes, and always painfully reminding me that I am separated from the country and the people that I love so much. The LORD so radically changed my relationship with Him when I was in Hungary that it is impossible for me to come to the LORD without reminder of the things He taught me there. Those truths were so pivotal and foundational in my understanding of the LORD that they have completely altered the way that I view Him and my relationship with Him. As silly as it may sound, it became particularly difficult to be in the Word and in prayer over the last week and a half because of the very fact that everything about my relationship with the LORD reminds me of Hungary.
Finally, last night at my church college group, I felt the Spirit prompting—no, demanding would probably be a better word—that I spend time with Him. I couldn’t keep ignoring Him, even if spending time with Him made me miss Hungary even more. Because, the truth was, I missed HIM. So, after we worshipped together as a group, I left to spend some time with the LORD on my own. After a kind of strenuous first hour, where I just kept asking questions and searching the Word seemingly to no avail, I came to the conclusion that though God might not answer my questions now or ever, it was okay; because I had Him, and that would be enough. But right after I wrote those words in my journal, I caught a part of the message that was going on in the main sanctuary: “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” It struck me to the core—I knew that I needed to just humble myself before the LORD. So much fear and doubt had been keeping me from being vulnerable before the LORD and here He was asking me to cast all my cares upon Him, for He cares for me. So I did. At first it was a little halting as I tried to figure out what exactly I wanted to say, but then my words started to flow—along with my tears. Things I hadn’t even known were “cares” of mine came up from out of my soul; I had many more cares than I realized I had.
I was content enough to give to the LORD my burdens and just to be able to feel something toward Him again. I was grateful enough to know that He loved me and listening and “put my tears in a bottle.” But the LORD didn’t just take my burden; He replaced it with His grace. At this point, I came across the passage at the beginning of this blog (1 Peter 1:6-9). One of the things that I had missed the most about Hungary was the joy inexpressible that the LORD offers. I felt I had lost that joy, that love, that peace that I had so richly in Hungary. So I came back to this passage, and read it again. But this time, a certain part stuck out to me—that this joy is in the midst of trial. Peter is instructing the LORD’s people to rejoice with “joy inexpressible and full of glory” when they are enduring various trials. How is that possible?
The LORD laid these words on my heart, as He showed me the answer—“yet believing, you rejoice.” I found myself wondering, “Believing what?” and, oh the richness of the truths there are to believe in Christ! “For all the promises of God in Christ are ‘Yes.’” [2 Corinthians 3:20]

Believe that He loves you. Believe that all things work together for good to those who love Him. Believe that He is faithful. Believe that it is His good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Believe that he whom the Son sets free will be free, indeed. Believe that there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Believe that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Believe that He will never leave you nor forsake you. Believe that you have not received a spirit of bondage again to fear, but a Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” Believe that He cares for you. Believe that the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of His own. Believe that if you ask you shall receive if you seek you shall find if you knock the door shall be opened to you. Believe that when you fall you will arise. Believe that when you sit in darkness, the LORD will be a light to you. Believe that He knows the plans He has for you. Believe that if you delight yourself in Him, He shall give you the desires of your heart. Believe that Christ became sin who knew no sin that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. Believe that while you were still a sinner, Christ died for you. Believe that you have been freed from sin and death. Believe that His Word accomplishes that which He purposes for it. Believe that you are a new creature in Christ. Believe that His grace is sufficient. Believe that His strength is made perfect in your weakness. Believe that He comes to those who are lowly and contrite. Believe that He is doing a new thing. Believe that though your sins are as scarlet, they shall be a white as snow. Believe that though weeping may endure for a night, joy comes in the morning. Believe that the sufferings of the present time are not worth comparing with that which shall be revealed in us. Believe that those whom He foreknew He predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son. Believe that He who began a good work in you will complete it in the day of Christ Jesus. Believe that He is KING of KINGS and LORD of LORDS and that He died that you might have eternal life—

BELIEVE AND REJOICE!

Closing Time

I feel like I need to write something that can close up this semester of my life in Hungary—some apt summation of the most incredible three and a half months of my life to date, using witticisms and words far too clever for me and cleanly and succinctly presenting to the world the result of my experience. And yet I am quite sure it would be impossible to do so, for a number of reasons I won’t get into, other than one: that while I may no longer be physically studying God in Hungary, God is most certainly not done teaching me about Himself and about what a life lived utterly in love with and for Him looks like.

My time in Hungary began with a promise: that God would show Himself to me in a way that I had previously been blind to or that I had previously seen with distorted vision. The thought that God wanted to clarify my view of Him in this way came from the story of the blind man that Jesus heals in Mark 8. When first Jesus touches this man’s eyes, the man says that he can see; but he specifies that he sees men as trees, walking. I saw much of myself in this man. I saw that I could, in fact, see Jesus—could see that He was my Savior, that He was my only Hope, that His cross was the only way, and that He was my Lord and Master. But I knew there was something missing; that what I was seeing was incomplete at best, and dangerously misinformed at worst. As Hudson Taylor wrote in a letter to his sister, “All the time I felt assured that there was in Christ all I needed, but the practical question was—how to get it out. He was rich truly, but I was poor; He was strong, but I weak. I knew full well that there was in the root, the stem, abundant fatness, but how to get it into my puny little branch was the question.” Since I began my Christian walk, I have felt assured that there was in Christ all I needed; but, indeed, I sensed that I wasn’t fully experiencing His perfect satisfaction.

It turns out that God answered this promise by opening my eyes to see His grace—to see Him and to see myself in the proper Light, and to have the veil lifted and the dawn begin to rise on the beautiful horizon of His boundless love. My first clue in this direction came during one of my classes. I have searched my notes high and low for this quote, but to no avail. Nevertheless, I distinctly recall one day about six weeks into my time in Hungary sitting in one of my classes (I think it was our morning devotions, but I’m not sure) and hearing these words come out of the mouth of the speaker: “Without knowing the grace of God, it is impossible to have an undistorted view of God.” In the moment, my brain fleetingly registered the words “undistorted,” “view,” and “grace of God”; but the press of daily life soon shoved aside the small question and hope that had formed in my mind.

As the semester progressed, we came upon our ten-day outreach and speaker’s week. Both of these challenged me and stretched me in ways that I had never experienced challenge before. Over ten-day outreach, God showed me what I now see to be His grace as displayed in His faithfulness. As His servant, He taught me that He is faithful to do in us that which He has called us to do. He showed me the blessing of service when it comes from love for Him and is done in His strength and power. During speaker’s week, He taught me what I now see is the grace of a relationship with Him—that He wants to know me, and wants me to know Him.

In all of these things, He was preparing my heart to see clearly what He has spoken all along—that “the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works” (Titus 2:11-14). And how the grace of God appeared to me! I finally understand, I think, the beautiful hymn Amazing Grace—“Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now am found; was blind, but now I see.”

The final preparations the Lord did in my heart occurred on the weekend I wrote about a few blog entries ago, in a post entitled “Why Christians Need the Gospel.” I was made keenly aware of my deep depravity during that weekend. I almost couldn’t believe some of the things that I was thinking and barely keeping myself from speaking that weekend. Step one of understanding grace? Seeing myself in the proper light. That weekend, God gently reprimanded me for my pride, and showed me myself in all of my ugliness and sin. It so upset me and even startled me that I actually recall feeling almost dizzy with the revelation of it. That drew me to His gospel, as I wrote about, and I started to wonder how it was possible that I could truly be a new creature in Christ, as 2 Corinthians 5:17 says. That verse, though breathtakingly beautiful, had always seemed too good to be true, and had more nearly broken my heart than encouraged it. I realized earlier in the semester that I had always thought of myself as a fixed old creature, rather than as an entirely new creature. Now, as I came to this verse again, in light of my new and more accurate understanding of who I was, it seemed even more impossible. I saw that I still depended on myself, to a certain extent, for my “right standing” before God. If I did well by being obedient or saying no to temptation or sharing the gospel with someone, I patted myself on the back and felt at peace with God. However, nothing could silence the condemnation when I sinned—when I gave into temptation, or was too cowardly to share the gospel, or lied, or let someone down. As you might imagine, my life was a rollercoaster of delight and dread, of feeling secure one moment and the next completely unstable.

So I came hesitantly to this verse once again, and found myself wondering what it meant to be “in” Christ. As I looked it up on Blue Letter Bible, that hopeful expectation that had been born so many weeks ago in my heart was stirred. The following is what I found, and my response to it:

“2 Corinthians 5:17—“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”

“In” (Gk. ἐν) Definition: In, by, with etc. Root word: A primary preposition denoting (fixed) position (in place, time or state), and (by implication) instrumentality (medially or constructively), i.e. a relation of rest.

What a definition! To be in Christ means that I am fixed, steadfast, steady, sure, unchangingly in Him. And, in Him means that my instrumentality, purpose, and role in life is also intimately associated with Him. Who I am and what I do are at rest in Christ. Who I am (all that I am) and what I do (all that I do) are at rest in Jesus Christ, just as Christ Jesus is at rest in the Father, and as He is in me. In the midst of everything of this life, the Unchanging One (I AM THAT I AM) is in me, and as He is immutable, so He is in me; as He is faithful, so He is in me; as He is mighty, so He is in me; as He is holy, so He is in me; as He is righteous, so He is in me. I am at rest in Christ.”

What glorious grace He demonstrated to me in those moments! I felt much as I imagine Christian in Pilgrim’s Progress must have felt upon first seeing the Cross—unimaginable relief as my burden fell away from my back. No longer would I need to be tossed to and fro by the waves of circumstance, or emotion, or fear! No longer would I have the unbearable load of condemnation, nor the unbearable load of pride, fastened to my back. No, those burdens had all been relieved by finally seeing Christ’s cross and His grace for what it truly was, is, and always will be—an everlasting place of the sweetest rest. It is in Christ’s finished work on the Cross, and that alone, that we rest. It is the Cross that makes me righteous or unrighteous; it is the Cross that makes me accepted or condemned; it is the Cross that makes me adopted or estranged; it is the Cross that determines my eternal and temporal standing. No sin is so great that it drains Calvary of its grace; no good work is so good that it outshines Calvary. I am who I am because of the Cross of Jesus Christ. I am righteous, accepted in the Beloved. I am a daughter of the King, a sister of the Savior. As Hudson Taylor wrote in that same letter to his sister, “It is a wonderful thing to be really one with a risen and exalted Savior, to be a member of Christ!”

As the beautiful Light dawned in my mind, so many other things that God had been showing me throughout the semester clicked into place. The time that He had healed me of self-loathing and hatred for my person and my appearance, He had used the verse Psalm 116:7—“Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.” What a beautiful picture of God’s rest and grace—His bountiful dealings with us, and the open arms with which He invites us to Himself. Or His demand that “none of these things [of the world] move me”—a demand impossible apart from the grace of God, and yet perfectly plausible and even to be expected of a gracious God. Or His specific calling of me to be His daughter and to do His work—how ridiculous to think that a human could ever even serve the living God, let alone be in His family, be a precious treasure to Him! And yet, even this would-be blasphemy is miraculously acceptable because of the blood of Jesus Christ and the grace of the Father to look on Him and pardon me. The list goes on, but the thread that ties them all together is the same.

So, I suppose I have come up with a way to clearly and succinctly summarize my semester: It was a semester of having my eyes opened to the abundant riches of God’s grace in Jesus Christ. May you and I be blessed to know “the riches of His grace which He made to abound to us in all knowledge and prudence,” and may you and I never lose the wonder of the Cross and the grace there demonstrated by a loving God for His sinful creatures.

Somebody's Baby

There’s a song by Jon Foreman called “Somebody’s Baby” that has been on my mind a lot the last few days. Here are the lyrics…

She yells, “If you were homeless, sure as hell you'd be drunk

Or high or trying to get there,

Or begging for junk—

When people don't want you, they just throw you money for beer.”

Her name is November, 


She went by Autumn or Fall.


It was seven long years since the Autumn


when all of her nightmares grew fingers
and all of her dreams grew tears.

Chorus:
She's somebody's baby,

Somebody's baby girl. (x2)

And she's Somebody's baby still.

She screams, “Well, if you've never gone it alone;


Well, then go ahead—you better throw the first stone.

You got one lonely stoner waiting to bring to her knees.”

She dreams about heaven,

Remembering Hell,
as the nightmare she visits

And knows all to well—every now and again 
when she's sober,

She brushes her teeth



(Chorus)



Today was her birthday, strangely enough,

When the cops found her body at the foot of the bluff.

The anonymous caller this morning tipped off the police.

They got her ID from her dental remains—

The same fillings intact, the same nicotine stains.

The birth and the death were both over,

With no one to grieve.

(Chorus)

Yesterday, I went into Budapest with a few of my friends from the castle, and that song was stuck in my head all day. At the beginning of the day, I found myself saying aloud, “It would really be awful to be homeless here, because it’s so cold.” Later yesterday night, we were walking to the Metro station, and we walked down this street with a lot of abandoned storefronts. The sidewalk and the storefronts were shielded by an arch that kept out the cold and the snow a little bit. As we walked, I was heartbroken to see many men and women cuddled up in the abandoned store fronts under piles of blankets, trying to sleep and stay warm. This song echoed even louder in my mind as I struggled to maintain control of my emotions. One woman caught my attention, as she looked at me as I passed. I found myself muttering to myself, “She’s somebody’s baby girl—and she’s God’s baby still.” As I walked by, I smiled at her and wondered if there was something I could do to help. I didn’t want to just give her money—I wanted her to feel loved and be met in her very evident need of warmth. But, for the moment, I just continued to walk.

When we got to the metro, we dropped the boys off, and my friend Lyssandra and I sat down in a coffee shop and started to chat. As we were talking, I had the desire to just read the Word and pray, so we did. As we were praying (by this point, we had left the coffee shop and were walking back to the walking street to get dinner), Lyssandra prayed, “Lord, if there is anything we can do to help the homeless people, just lay it on our hearts right now.” At that moment, the Holy Spirit reminded me that I had thrown an extra beanie in my bag that morning for no apparent reason—I just felt like I should take it, just in case. As we passed by the same street where these men and women were sleeping, I saw her again, and went right up to her, beanie in hand. I smiled, forgetting at the moment how to say “Jesus loves you” in Hungarian (I think it’s something like “Jezus szeretlek teged”… I should figure that out), and handed her the beanie.

Later, after dinner, as Lyssandra and I were walking back to the metro to meet the guys, we passed by the woman, and I was heartbroken and blessed to see her beautiful face, with bright eyes, peaking out from beneath the hat I’d given her. She waved to me with a grin on her face.

She’s somebody’s baby girl, and she’s Somebody’s baby still.

Why Christians Need The Gospel

So, I’ll confess. I have had better weekends than this one. Here at the Bible College, each one of us is involved in practical ministry classes where we perform some sort of servant-hood activity that benefits our brothers and sisters here. My ministry this semester has been housekeeping in the coffee shop—i.e. vacuuming, dusting, and mopping the coffee shop from top to bottom every day. But, at the beginning of the semester, everyone was also assigned a weekend for which they would do what is known as “weekend team”—for the girls, this means serving six meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner on Sat/Sun) and for the guys, doing dish room for the same meals. Most students were assigned one weekend for which to be on weekend team. I, by God’s sovereignty, got two weekends—the weekend after our very first week of school, and this weekend.

This weekend, in addition to being (one of) my weekend(s) for weekend team, was also a huge conference of 100+ people, and though we were warned that there was a conference this weekend, I definitely was not prepared for how much of a trial it would be. Unbeknownst to me, this group has been to conferences here before, and, to put it nicely, are sometimes not the easiest people to deal with. In addition, the schedule for their conference was never quite set in stone, so the meals took upwards of two, two and a half hours to be fully done with. Doing the math, that is at least six hours in a day, which is almost the same as a full day of work.

This morning, I woke up exhausted and not wanting to go serve. Then, those feelings of frustration, exhaustion, and indignation just increased as I actually served. By the time breakfast was over two and a half hours later, I was on the verge of tears. I went outside and started to pray very, ehem, honestly to God. “God I am so angry! Why is this happening? Why are they being so rude? Why does this suck so much? Why did I of all people get weekend team twice? I’m SO tired,” all the while thinking in my head, “Like a sheep before its shearers is silent, so He opened not His mouth” and “Christ, who being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men” and “For even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.” So, of course, my prayers changed from indignation to desperation. “God, I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I’m so tired. I’m so upset and frustrated. I don’t want to be. I need You so badly. There’s no way I can do this on my own. Help my unbelief!” I was fumbling through my Bible, trying to find something, anything to read, and as I was about to stop on a page, a breeze blew the page over and down, and my eyes rested on this verse: “For I have satiated the weary soul, and I have replenished every sorrowful soul” [Jeremiah 31:25]. Needless to say, this was exactly what I needed to read. But my heart was still so agitated from these feelings of anger, indignation, pride, frustration, hurt, exhaustion that I couldn’t believe it in that moment, though I wanted so badly to.

I felt this morning like a little kid fighting with my father—struggling and struggling, at first, but then becoming so exhausted and frustrated in the struggle that they just start crying. They need to be calmed, to be soothed, and they can’t help themselves at all. I am so grateful for my Father, that through all my complaining and struggling, and then helpless crying, He soothed my troubled soul, satiated my weary soul, replenished my sorrowful soul. I was defeated in my flesh, there is no doubt—but He reminded me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness.” I needed to be exhausted of my resources for Him to show Himself great in me.

This is why Christians need the Gospel. We need the Gospel because we need the reassurance that Christ has defeated the grave and in it, has defeated the sin that clings to us and wearies our souls. We need the Gospel because we need the eyes that Christ has for people—to look out on a crowd that is pushy, frustrating, and needy, when we ourselves are exhausted and weak, and see them with eyes of compassion, as sheep in need of a Shepherd. We need the Gospel because we need the humility of the Cross—of a Savior who humbled Himself to the point of death, not counting equality with God a thing to be clutched, but made Himself nothing. We need the Gospel because we need the promise that, though we fail, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. We need the Gospel because we need a Father, and we need His Spirit of Adoption. We need the Gospel because we need strength in weakness and grace in times of testing. We need the Gospel because we can fail, but He is perfect. We need the Gospel, because the Cross gives us access to the throne room, where we can receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. We need the Gospel, because we need Him.

God's Oil

A certain woman of the wives of the sons of the prophets cried out to Elisha, saying, “Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that your servant feared the LORD. And the creditor is coming to take my two sons to be his slaves.” So Elisha said to her, “What shall I do for you? Tell me, what do you have in the house?” And she said, “Your maidservant has nothing in the house but a jar of oil.” Then he said, “God, borrow vessels from everywhere, from all your neighbors—empty vessels; do not gather just a few. And when you have come in, you shall shut the door behind you and your sons; then pour it into all those vessels, and set aside the full ones.” So she went from him and shut the door behind her and her sons, who brought the vessels to her; and she poured it out. Now it came to pass, when the vessels were full, that she said to her son, “Bring me another vessel.” And he said to her, “There is not another vessel.” So the oil ceased. [2 Kings 4:1-6]

Over the past few months, I’ve been trying to read through the Old Testament a little bit. For those of you who know my Bible-reading habits, I have always had a difficult time getting myself to read the Old Testament. I know it offers a wealth of knowledge to the believer, but for some reason, I haven’t been able to dig up anything from it. However, God has blessed me with at least the diligence to read through some of the Old Testament this semester at Bible college, and I think I’m finally breaking through the ground and getting to the treasure beneath. The story above, found in 2 Kings 4, is one of those treasures. A few things caught my eye as I was reading through, and I wanted to share them with you.

First, as Elisha comes onto the scene, something stood out to me. Elisha asked her what she had in her home, and it is that very thing, the last thing that she possessed, that he calls her to give up. Oftentimes, I think Christ works in this same way. For a non-believer, it is Christ’s taking away the last thing we were clinging to that brings us the point of desperation for His salvation. It was that way for me, at least. And even to this day, as a believer, God is constantly taking away the things I most depend on—family, friends, feelings of security or comfort—in order to show Himself great in my weakness. This oil could’ve been used for food, for lighing lamps, for anointing, or for putting on wounds, even. It was the only thing of value that she had; and yet she willingly gave it over to Elisha to use as God instructed him. I wonder sometimes if I give up those things in my life that are so valuable to me with such willingness. For example, the desire to be married is one of the things that is so important to me; yet I still find it almost impossible to give that desire over the Lord. I find myself making excuses, saying, “But this is the way it’s supposed to be! Genesis 2:24, people. Shouldn’t God give this to me? This is too important and valuable for me to give up. How, oh how, could I ever trust God with this?” Obviously, the whole thing, particularly the last part, is ridiculous. And yet this is how many of us, from what I’ve seen, act so much of the time—unwilling to give the things that are of value to us to Him. But without giving those things to God, He cannot take them and make them valuable in His eyes, make them good on a whole new level.

Which brings me to my next point. What is the one thing that described the vessels Elisha asked the woman to bring to him? Empty. In order for God to fill us up with His goodness and with the transformed desires of our heart, we must first be empty. You can’t fill a vessel that is already full. And notice when the blessing of God to this woman ended—when there was no longer an empty vessel to fill. I think this is a very crucial point. We can’t accept the blessing of God if we are still clinging to our own ideas, desires, hopes for our lives. We have to empty ourselves of them to be full of God’s desires, hopes, and blessings for our lives. And if it happens that we are plugged up with our desires or even our sin, then the blessings of God cannot come to us, in a sense. Obviously, God blesses all of us every day with life and breath and sunshine, etc. and He is not hindered or interrupted in His purposes if He chooses to do something. But for the believer, there is a very real threat of having a heart so hardened by sin or so distracted by our own thoughts and our own ways that we can miss His blessing. He desires us to choose Him and His ways and His thoughts and His worship and His plans, not to just force them on us.

This is convicting for me, for often I am so caught up in this world and in my own ideas that I don’t believe God’s plan is really better for me. But as the often quoted but under appreciated Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.” Trust in the LORD, trust in His vision, trust in His plans, trust in His will, trust in His purposes, trust in His desires, trust in His heart, and empty yourself of you—and you will not be disappointed in His glorious plan for your life. The things of this world are vanity apart from God. There is no good thing apart from God, nothing that is true, noble, just, pure, lovely; for every good and perfect gift is from above. Like Ecclesiastes often says, there is nothing new under the sun, and all is vain, empty, apart from God. As Paul said in front of the philosophers and thinkers at Athens, “in Him we live and move and have our being.” Or as he echoes in his letter to the Colossians, “All things were created through Him and for Him, and He is before all things, and in Him all things consist.” If only we had this all-consuming, all-encompassing vision of Christ! Pouring out a jar of oil would be nothing, for the God who makes the atoms that comprise that oil is for us, not against us. Trusting God for our finances would be simple, for the God that guides the powers of the earth and supplies the needs of His children has loved us with an everlasting love. Choosing to take up our cross would be easy, because the God who loved us so much that He sent His son to die for us has empowered us to put to death the flesh and walk in the freedom of the Spirit. Do you know the greatness of our God? He stretched out the heavens like a tent and He knows the stars by name. He brings rulers to nothing; He confuses the plans of leaders. He parts seas, calms storms, silences demons, cures disease, stops the mouths of lions, brings the dead to life. He speaks and who can turn it back? He is unchanging, everlasting, eternal, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Prince of Peace, Alpha and Omega. This is the God of the universe. And this is the God that loves you. Trust in Him and Him alone, for He will never leave you nor forsake you.

Ten Day Outreach :)

Hey all! As I think most of you know, I recently went on a ten-day outreach to Pecs, Hungary. It was INCREDIBLE! I wanted to give you all at least a small idea of the things I did and learned while there, so I'm going to post a paper I wrote about my trip here. Hope you enjoy! If you have any questions, feel free to comment and ask them and I will try to answer :)

Ten-day outreach. Wow. Where to even begin? God is so good to us. Throughout this whole trip, I was overwhelmed and blown away by the love and blessing God pours out on His children, particularly when they are obedient and submissive to Him.

For the ten-day outreach, I went to Pécs, Hungary. My team was lead by Wendy, Bolacs, Leah, Kim, and Andrew, and the rest of our team members were Sarah, Mana, Madi, Jamie, Cameron, Maksym, Matyas, and Ross. From a logistics standpoint, our schedule was pretty busy. We got into Pécs on Friday, October 21, and spent the day sharing testimonies, getting the schedule for the next week, and just generally preparing. Saturday we organized a youth night; Sunday we had church, then free time in the afternoon; Monday morning we visited an old-folks’ home and evening hosted a Bible study for the girls at the local university; Tuesday morning visited a different old-folks’ home and evening organized a prayer meeting; Wednesday morning did prison ministry and evening held church; Thursday morning organized and ran a homeless lunch, after which we had free time in the afternoon; Friday morning shared at a troubled high school and evening organized a youth night/concert; Saturday organized and ran a rummage sale, and then debriefed from the trip; and finally Sunday prepped for church and then headed home. In whatever free time we had, unless otherwise noted above, we made food, hung out with the church kids in the park, prepared for the events, etc.

I learned so much on this trip—God, help me remember all of it—that I will try to put into words. First of all, I don’t think I’ve ever realized the blessing of serving the LORD. I mean, I knew that the LORD does bless those that serve Him and is pleased by our faith in Him, but I have never experienced that more than I experienced on this trip. Though our team was so busy and so tired, God was not; He took our tiredness and busyness and turned it into His work. I feel like God ministered to me more than He did to anyone else we served, though obviously I’m in no position to judge that. There were all these times where we faced such spiritual attack; and yet He took all of those situations and turned them on their heads and used them for good (as in Genesis 50:20). God is triumphant—in our lives, in the church, over Satan. It is incredible, and I am so blessed to have seen His power and His victory at work over these last ten days. For example, when the girls on our team went to the prison on Wednesday, not only did every single woman we shared with cry (Leah had warned us that we shouldn’t expect any kind of response from them), but we also got to have a tour of the prison, seeing the cells and a little bit of how they run it. I feel like everything that we did was just us going to God and offering ourselves as a sacrifice for His work, and then just allowing Him to move as He pleased. The work of the LORD is so satisfying when it is done in His strength, on His timing, and by His power.

On that note, though, I also got just a small taste of what it is like to be in ministry. I know that it was so small relative to a lifetime of ministry, but seeing what Leah and Bolacs, and Kim and Andy to a certain extent, do on a daily basis was humbling and encouraging. It stoked the flame that God has started in my heart for missions, but reminded me that it is all of Him and His power. Just by what I saw over these ten days, I know that ministry of any kind cannot be done for long without the power and guidance of the Holy Spirit through prayer. What power a praying body of believers has! I’m still trying to figure out how exactly prayer works, but I know it both changes the heart of the pray-ers and allows God’s people to be involved with the plans that He is going to accomplish for them. To see the truth of Isaiah 55:10-11 in action was so awesome—“For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.” To be able to pray that God would accomplish His purposes and then see Him do so was incredible.

I think that is something God has been showing me this whole semester—how real He is. I know it should seem like an obvious thing, but I think because we are in the flesh, I often tend to believe generally that God is a real Being with a Spirit and with emotions and thoughts, etc, but never specifically believe that He is real in my life. Sure, He may have done all the miracles He did in the Bible—and I believe that He did them—but I subconsciously don’t believe that He does the same, if not more, for me. But He showed me that He does answer my prayers. He does come and give me the words to say when I have none. He does comfort me in my affliction and give me peace in anxiety. His Spirit is real and truly provides those things. It is not an accident, it is not coincidence that after I pray or spend time in the Word I have peace and a quiet heart. It is the work of the living God, and how often do I disregard it! But this week, God proved Himself to me in a mighty way. I said things that I could have never said on my own; I had strength not my own, peace not my own, joy not my own, love not my own, excitement not my own, encouragement not my own; for every good and perfect gift is from above. God is so real! I pray that I will continue to see His reality more and more in my life.

One of the last things that really stood out to me that God showed me on this trip was just that ‘[our] adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” Towards the second half of the trip, the team and I started to really notice spiritual attack, and it was a good but humbling reminder that not only do we need to pray for success and God’s power to do His work, but furthermore, we need to pray for His protection from this lion. But praise be to Him!—“He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world.”

Sorry it ends kind of abruptly... I didn't really know how to end it, and I was two words short of going over my word limit, so I just ended it :) But there it is!

Miss you all!

Rachel

Holy Spirit

Hey everyone! This is a paper I wrote on the Holy Spirit for a midterm in my Acts class. I thought I'd share my findings with everyone :) Enjoy!

The Bible is full of references to the Holy Spirit. From Genesis to Revelation, the Holy Spirit is prominent and important. But, for the believer, some of the most telling mentions of the Holy Spirit are found in the book of Acts. The Holy Spirit plays a huge role in the lives of individual believers and in the establishment and continuation of the church. He is a guarantee to believers of their salvation and a fulfillment of Jesus’ promise that He would send a Helper to them after He left them. By studying the book of Acts, we see the Holy Spirit filling believers to confirm their salvation, give them boldness in the face of persecution, and speak and work wonders through them for the edification and increase of the church.

Before we jump into studying the Holy Spirit, I want to begin where Luke began this account—at the ascension of Christ to heaven. Before He ascended, Jesus left the disciples with a final word: “You shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth” (Acts 1:8) Based on the Holy Spirit’s preeminence both in Jesus’ finals words and Luke’s text, it is clear that the Holy Spirit will be the sole driving force behind the acts of the Apostles that Luke records. The word used in the book of Acts to refer to the Holy Spirit is the Greek word πνεῦμα, or pneuma. It means “the third person of the triune God, the Holy Spirit, coequal, coeternal with the Father and the Son,” according to Blue Letter Bible.

The main way the Spirit evidences Himself in the believer’s life is through His filling the believer. Luke, it seems, is the only writer to use the phrase “filled with the Holy Spirit,” because it only occurs in his gospel and in the book of Acts. As I read through Acts, I found myself wondering, “What does it mean to be filled with the Holy Spirit? What are the evidences of being filled with the Holy Spirit or what kinds of things are possible for those filled with the Holy Spirit? How are we filled with the Holy Spirit? Is there a difference between being filled with the Holy Spirit and having the Holy Spirit come upon you?” The first time the phrase “filled with the Holy Spirit” appears in Acts is in chapter 2, verse 4: “And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance.” In this verse, the Greek word translated “filled” is πίμπλημι, or pimplēmi, which means “to be fulfilled, to be filled.” This is an interesting play on words, for though they were filled with the Spirit, the filling of the Spirit was also a fulfillment of Jesus’ promise that He would send the Holy Spirit to them. Based on the context of this passage and the other passages in Acts that use this phrase, we can gather that being filled with the Holy Spirit can have any number of effects on the believer. In this circumstance, the filling of the Spirit was accompanied by speaking in tongues; in other circumstances, it is accompanied with boldness to face persecution (Acts 4:31), with the ability to powerfully wield the Scriptures (Acts 4:9), with the removal of scales from eyes (Acts 9:18-19), or, oppositely, with blindness (Acts 13:9). In other situations, individuals are said to be full of the Spirit: specifically, Stephen, who is twice described as being full of the Spirit; and Barnabas (Acts 6:5, 7:55; Acts 11:24). For these men, being full of the Spirit meant for one, surrender to martyrdom, and for the other, pouring out that Spirit in encouragement on other believers. Or, the Spirit is described in relation to men as coming and falling upon them, as is the case with the first Gentile believers, Cornelius and those in his household. Whatever the terminology may be, however, the common denominator is the Holy Spirit is now working in the lives of these believers (though I think He abides in all believers as a seal and guarantee from the moment of salvation; in these instances of being filled with the Spirit, His life in them becomes action in them). I think this is what is meant when Jesus talks in Acts 1:5 of being “baptized with the Holy Spirit.” The word used for baptized here is the Greek word is the word βαπτίζω, or baptizō. Three appropriate definitions are given: 1) to dip repeatedly, to immerse, to submerge (of vessels sunk) 2) to cleanse by dipping or submerging, to wash, to make clean with water, to wash one's self, bathe 3) to overwhelm. Baptism with the Spirit, then, represents an overwhelming of the self with the Spirit, or a submerging of the self into the Spirit. According to the example Shaun gave in class, the word is used of a cucumber that has been “baptized” in vinegar—it is permanently submerged, and ultimately permanently changed. Thus, we see that when someone is baptized in the Spirit, it is an eternal change.

In Acts, we see that the Holy Spirit fills people with or without the laying on of hands, and both before and after physical water baptism. Thus, it is evident that the Holy Spirit is not limited by human constraints, but moves in whatever way He pleases. In fact, this very thing is evidenced in His first appearance to the church in Acts in chapter 2: it is described as, “And suddenly there came a sound from heaven, as of a rushing might wind, and it filled the whole house where they were sitting” (Acts 2:2). This text can be evaluated in light of Jesus’ words in John 3:8 about the movement of the Spirit, where He said, “The wind blows where it wishes, but you cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit.” Thus, the Holy Spirit establishes from His arrival that He is going to do great things that men cannot and do not expect of Him according to God’s good pleasure. Another cool issue addressed by this passage that we see fulfilled in Acts is the fact that ‘you cannot tell where…it goes.” Nicodemus (to whom Jesus is speaking in John 3) and other Jews would never have expected the Spirit to fill Gentiles, and when it happened with Cornelius and his family in Acts 10, they were, indeed, shocked. But the Spirit goes where it pleases according to the will of the Father and Son.

The Holy Spirit’s work in the church is vital. As the guarantee of God’s Word, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit is seen working in the church to send out believers (Acts 13:4), speak to and through believers (Acts 1:16, 2:4, 4:8, 13:2, 19:6, 21:11, 28:25) forbid believers from going to certain places (Acts 16:6), testify to the will of God (Acts 20:23), and appoint overseers of the Church (Acts 20:28). Luke emphasizes the importance of the Holy Spirit in the church in one particular story where the Holy Spirit is disrespected: that is, by Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5. When Ananias and Sapphira lie to the apostles about the money they gave to the church, they both fall dead because they had “lie[d] to the Holy Spirit” and “test[ed] the Spirit of the Lord” (Acts 5:3, 9). Unity was one of the key characteristics of the early church that made it so successful; and unity was upheld by the Holy Spirit. Thus, not only do Ananias and Sapphira lie to the Holy Spirit, but, furthermore, they hinder His work in the church to bring unity by their sin. It’s cool to me, however, that though the Holy Spirit is necessary for the proper functioning of the whole church body, it is first necessary that He be present and actively working in each believer. I think we can see that both in this story and in the means by which the Holy Spirit came. Ananias and Sapphira’s personal sin would have affected the whole body; the tongues of fire that came when the Spirit first filled the believers were over each individual believer’s head; it wasn’t one large tongue over the group, but each believer was personally filled—“one [tongue] sat on each of them” (Acts 2:4).

There have been so many things I have learned from studying about the Holy Spirit. First of all, I think I didn’t ever realize just how much the Holy Spirit does—I mean, I knew vaguely He is involved in a lot of the Christian walk, but to see the specifics in Acts was super awesome. As far as application, I would really like to be able to hear the voice of the Spirit and learn how to pray in the Spirit more consistently. There are times I am praying that I know the Spirit has put it on my heart to say those things, and it is always so sweet to see how the prayers that I pray by His power are the ones that I really evidently, clearly, quickly see Him answer. I think it’s kind of hard to know how to apply the things I’ve learned though, because I’ve seen that the Holy Spirit works and moves on His own initiative according to the will of God. He sometimes fills believers before physical baptism, sometimes after; sometimes He comes by the laying on of hands, sometimes He doesn’t; sometimes He brings tongues and prophecies when He fills people; other times He doesn’t. But I think the common theme in the attitude of those in whom He worked greatly was submission to His voice and spirit and humility to do His work. I think another point of application for me is to make sure that I don’t disregard the Holy Spirit. I am embarrassed to say it, but I oftentimes find myself not even really considering the Holy Spirit God! Even when I started writing this paper, I found myself referring to Him as an ‘it.’ Reading through Acts and seeing everything He did, and the reality of His work and presence in these believers, really reminded me that He is God and I should be in awe of the fact that as a believer, He is in me. I think another application, looking through the different effects the filling with the Spirit had on believers, is that any small right thing is something down by the power of the Spirit. For example, we see in Acts 4 that Peter is filled with the Spirit… to preach. It seems somewhat anticlimactic, but God’s purpose for the Spirit is for His name to be preached and glorified. Sometimes that means you sacrifice your life to death like Stephen; other times that means you sacrifice your life to death daily by putting the flesh to death. Sometimes it means healing people of blindness and other diseases; sometimes it means being bold in the face of persecution. As Romans 8:13 says, “For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live” (my emphasis added). Our job is not to determine how the Spirit will work in our lives; but whether or not we will submit to His voice when it has spoken and shown the way.

From Bud To Bloom :)

This morning in my time with the LORD, I read Ephesians 1:1-10 . As I read, I decided to slow down and break the Scripture up (as I’ve been learning to do in my Inductive Bible Study class, looking up the Greek of many of the verbs and terms) and see what the LORD would show me. A theme verse in my time here in Hungary has been Psalm 116:7, which says, “Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.” So when I came to verse 8 of Ephesians 1, I was drawn to what it said, that “He made [the riches of His grace] abound to us in all wisdom and prudence.” I looked up “abound” on Blue Letter Bible and its definition is as follows: “a thing which comes in abundance, or overflows unto one, something [which] falls to the lot of one in large measure.” But at the bottom of the page was a little box, which read, “‘Abounding’ is used of a flower going from a bud to full bloom.” :)

What a thought! That the riches of His grace abounding to us are what make us as humans bloom into the full beauty of what we were made to be. You can definitely say that a bud of a flower is still a flower; but it is not a flower in its final, most glorious state. Humans apart from Christ are flower buds—we are meant to go on to full bloom in the light of the knowledge of the glory of God, according to the riches of His grace. No one looks at a flower bud and says, “Wow, what a perfect flower bud!” No, we expect more of it, and are, in fact, disappointed if it never blooms. And yet the state of every soul upon entering the world is in this bud-like state.

It gives me such hope to think of humanity in this way. Salvation is for all—every flower is meant to bloom. We are all meant to come into the fullness of our glory under the radiance of His—just like a flower comes into the fullness of its glory under the radiance of the sun. We were created to bloom in the light of our Savior, the Son. This is why the Psalmist cries, “Cause Your face to shine on us!” God desires to bring us all into the glory of His grace—for us all to be blessed, holy, without blame, adopted, redeemed, forgiven, to use the words of this Ephesians text.

May we view our non-Christian friends—and the non-Christian world in general—in this way—as buds needing just a little light to burst forth into a beautiful bloom! And, remember—in Christ, we are just like this beautiful bloom :) We are predestined for blessing and holiness and blamelessness because of the redemption by His blood. Praise God for turning this little bud into a beautiful flower!

Do You Want To Be Healed?

I joked in my last blog entry that I’d been noticing a lot of similarities between myself and Biblical cripples lately—maybe that meant God was trying to tell me something? But, over the last week or so, I’ve realized my kidding was right on the square.

As many of you know (and as some of you are about to find out!), I’ve struggled with captivity to self-loathing my whole life. I am harshly critical of myself—my sin, my looks, my personality—pretty much everything about myself. This has affected me in every area of my life, diminishing my joy, extinguishing my love, and, for all intents and purposes, throttling the very life that Jesus died to bestow upon me.

Last Friday, I found myself becoming discouraged and depressed and falling prey again to the same lies that have plagued me my whole life—you’re not enough, you’re not enough, you’re not enough. Whatever that enough might have been, whether beautiful, smart, funny, loving, godly, passionate, it was always the same lie. “Sure, Christ may have died for you, but you’re still not enough. There’s no way He can take your life and make anything of it. You’re ugly, sinful, and an all around failure. Just give it up now. There’s no point in trying.”

As I felt myself on the verge of tears, in the midst of the lies screaming at me, I heard the still small voice of the Savior: Go outside and pour yourself out before Me. Now, let me tell you, the weather in Hungary has been pretty cold—this particular day, it had been storming on and off all day, and the weather was not especially inviting me to go outside and cry out to God.

But, against my natural self, I bundled up and walked around outside until I found a tree at whose base I knelt in the ground. In that moment, in the cold and dark and wet, I cried to my LORD for help, to be set free from this prison that had been my reality. And then, in the midst of my cries and confusion, I heard Him speak again: Do you want to be healed?

Startled, I found myself hesitating momentarily, but then stuttering, “…Yes.” Fifteen minutes passed, during which I walked around the castle, still praying, reading my Bible, meditating. And then, again, I heard the LORD ask, Do you want to be healed? This time, my answer came with more certainty: “Yes.” At this point, I was more calm and at peace, and was searching through the Scriptures when I came to two Psalms: Psalm 142 and Psalm 116. Psalm 142:7 reads, “Bring me out of prison, that I may give thanks to your name! The righteous will surround me, for you will deal bountifully with me.” As I prayed for the LORD to bring me out of prison, I happened to flip open to Psalm 116—“I love the LORD, because He has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because He inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call on Him as long as I live…Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.”

The stunning simplicity and beauty of these verses brought tears to my eyes then and now as I read it again. The LORD had heard my voice and was tenderly coaxing my soul into His glorious rest—Return, Rachel, to your rest; for I have dealt bountifully with you.

Getting up and walking back to the castle, the LORD asked me one final time: Do you want to be healed? Yes, LORD, I do. I want to be healed from my crippled life. The problem in my life is not a matter of seeing or hearing—I have seen and heard the gospel, seen and heard that Christ died for me and that because of that, I am saved. But, I am crippled. What I should be able to do, I cannot. The truth of the gospel, though seen and heard and understood, has not brought empowerment to my life because of the disbelief of my heart and the lies I have believed, particularly these ones.

Like the cripple in Mark 2, the cripple in Acts 3, and the cripple in John 5, I have not been able to walk in peace alongside my Savior in the freedom He set me free for.

But I am here to proclaim:

The LORD has set another captive free. The LORD has made this cripple walk.

Alms

"Now Peter and John were going up to the temple at the hour of prayer, the ninth hour. And a man lame from birth was being carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple that is called the Beautiful Gate to ask alms of those entering the temple. Seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple he asked to receive alms. And Peter directed his gaze at him, as did John, and said, 'Look at us.' And he fixed his attention on them expecting to receive something from them. But Peter said, 'I have no silver and gold but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!...And leaping up he stood and began to walk, and entered the temple with them, walking and leaping and praising God'" [Acts 3:1-6, 8]

For my MW Acts class, I just finished reading this story/chapter in the book of Acts. As I read through again, combing it for details to answer some homework questions, I paused as I re-read these first six verses. A couple of things jumped out to me that I hadn't noticed the first time, parallels which I saw between myself and the cripple (maybe God is trying to tell me something? I've been noticing a lot of parallels between myself and the cripples of the Bible lately... haha). The phrase "from birth" had been small enough for me to skim right over in the past. This time, however, I was reminded of Ephesians 2:1-3, which reads, "And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience--among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind." We are by nature children of wrath--just like this man was lame from birth.

Once noticing this, I also noticed what this man who was lame from birth was doing--asking for alms. And how often did he do this? Daily. Clearly, this is not a long term solution. And yet, for this man and for us, without Christ's power in our lives, we have to live off the spare change of the world. We have to live off whatever we can get for ourselves--whatever goodness we can muster, whatever love we can create, whatever joy we can grasp at. And yet, none of it makes any difference. In the same way that alms could do nothing to heal this man's legs, our "moral" deeds will do nothing to purify our sinful souls. The problem isn't addressed by the correct solution.

And then along come Peter and John, who have and are willing to share the truth and the power that this man needs, and what is his (initial) response? "He fixed his attention on them, expecting to receive something from them." Wow.

Though this man did not know that the men who were speaking with him could offer both a permanent and full solution to his problem (a la Hebrews 10:14)--that is, Jesus Christ--I wonder sometimes if I come to Christ and ask for alms. In fact, I know I do. I come to Him and I ask for Him to take away some one or other inconvenient sin, or something that makes me look bad to other people, without really wanting the full healing--not wanting to see my heart actually changed, or not wanting to actually have to go through the process of healing. I want a quick fix to my problem, but the problem with quick fixes is they are fleeting and don't really address my real need--to be purified from dead works to serve the living God (Hebrews 9:14). As long as I continue looking to Christ and asking for alms--for the superficial, temporary solution to my brokenness--I will never be healed, because I can not save myself. Thankfully, however, our LORD extends grace even when we come to Him asking for something less than His full sanctifying power working in us to form Him in us. Peter and John take after their Master when they say, "I have no silver or gold but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!"

I hope that next time I see brokenness in my life, I can come in faith to Christ and ask for His healing. But, at the least, I hope the next time I ask for alms and receive healing instead that I will respond with the same joy this man did, with "walking and leaping and praising God". "And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" (Philippians 1:6). Praise God that whether or not we necessarily ask for it, He will bring our sanctification and perfection to completion in His power and grace through the suffering, death, and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. :)